I heart carpooling *happy sigh*

okokok so it's only the first day of it but SWEET JESUS I LOVE IT ALREADY!

I Didn't spend forever in barely moving traffic on 95, we saw an accident seconds after it happened and I didnt get all paranoid about getting hit like I normally do, cuz HA I WASNT DRIVING WHEEEEEEEE!

I am a tad neurotic (and those that know me...shoosh! ;P ) about locking my car so im, ya know, sorta worried about whether I locked my car or not--"OH SHIT DID I LOCK MY CAR? WAIT! I did I did! phew. NO WAIT DID I????"-- yeah uh huh sorta worried.

Also, cuz I didnt drive and I didnt have to sit in traffic forever, this translates into me being in an actual happy mood right when I get to work instead of it taking me an hour to get over myself and then get in the good mood, like usual. Who'da thought?

Im also only slightly worried about my car being parked at a place where cd's got stolen out of a car. gasp! My CD's NONONONO! hehe...im only kidding *cough* here... love you harmsmony *mua*

I hope we can carpool tomorrow too, woot!

Move along, nothin to see here...

So I stroll on into work about 6:14 which TOTALLY counts as 6:00 (shut-up, YES IT DOES). All in a happy-ish mood (I mean really, how happy can you be at this hour), log on to my computer and the glorious little envelope pops up. Yay! Email! I go check email. An Email from a friend! weee! My eyes travel over to the subject line and my heart sinks a little as I read "She said Yes." So I open the email hoping its a joke of some kind cuz thats what I usually get from him.

nope.

He proposed to his girlfriend and She said YES! Yay!

Now, dont get me wrong I am COMPLETELY happy for him. Seriously, love and happiness and all that.

but sonofalsdkfjoewifhoweihoweijhglejkfs WHATS WRONG WITH ME???

Im not gonna bore you with my relationship woes (much) cuz really, if you know me it would only be repetitive. The boyfriend and I have discussed this (ad nauseum if you ask him). So I know what the issues are. So I should be fine. And I am for the most part (I SAID FOR THE MOST PART). Its just when shit pops up like this im like "ugh, there HAS to be something wrong with me"

I immediately blame myself. Why? I dunno, cuz really? I am the most awesomest girl out there (fo sho)!

blah.

so I will continue to sit and wait for that day. I honestly am not sure how much longer I can do this though. Im finding myself lately shutting down, shutting out, building walls. Which, yeah no shit, is no good. Maybe I am in denial and already know sub-consciously what the outcome will be and am just protecting myself from all the hurt that is coming? OR maybe im sabotaging the relationship with the one person I am most comfortable with, the one guy who I can totally see growing old with, the one guy who knows all my buttons to push and does--yet even when I am most angry I still love him so much and the one guy who loves me for me (even though I am a raging bitch). no questions asked. and I am ruining it cuz im friggin selfish and trying to comply with this time in my head that I should be married by (yes, 30), or that ya know after 10 years, its time to take that next step already (really, says who? ME DAMNIT ME!). Things can never be perfect and there are never any guarantees, I tell him and WOW maybe I should listen to my own advice. WHO CARES IF IM THE LAST ONE TO GET MARRIED ON THE FRIGGIN PLANET.

me :(


oh and P.S. yes this is a whiney blog because HELLO im a girl! This is what I do best! so stuffit!

If the TV died, I wouldn't cry. . . AT ALL.

I've been in this weird mood lately...

all kinda depressed and

listenin to mellowish music and

thinking about life! and omg!WhatDoIDo! meh. and

every chance I get the damn TV gets turned off

off pls.

die tv die.

all we do is watch tv. we waste hours lazing in front of the tv doing nothing of course cuz! omg! we gotta make room for the new stuff coming!

Is it possible to burn out on TV, cuz dude, I totally am. I never thought this would happen.

burnt.

toast.

Like, right now, the season finale of Lost is being watched and OMG!I. DONT. CARE. I have laptop in lap, headphones on. I say "huh?!" a lot cuz the boyfriend is in denial of me having said headphones on.

70's show finale on now. Hey btw, should I admit out loud that I just figured out (or OK boyfriend told me, fine. FINE.) that Fes's name stands for...

wait for it...

Foreign
Exchange
Student

*faint* I KNOW!

how the hell did i not get that?

TINA! Come Get Your Ham!

GOSH!! (I...dunno...I thought it was funny)

So, I have started an entry every day since my last posting.

I click on new entry and then

*crickets*

hey so, my blog's name isn't that far off after all huh?

oh and also?

Dear Man driving VW bugbeetle (whatever it is!) this morning,

Sweet sweet fellow, I realize that you got up on time, and you have your morning coffee and all is right with the world, and whenever you get to work is when you get to work. But--and trust me when I say this--this is not the case for everyone.

It really is imperative that you drive faster than this.

Must. keep.up.with.car.in.front.of.you.

COME. ON!

Traffic? Meh. I understand the complacency, but...seriously? Reading the newspaper? Is that not a steering wheel in front of you? You are letting all the goobers in because you are not paying attention!

Yes love, we are merging, true. But that really doesn't mean you need to let the ENTIRE lane in.

SERIOUSLY STOP READING AND EFFING DRIVE MOTOEIUR(O#*UT)#(IURPOEKR.

Oh and? Your hair looks beauuuuutiful, stop primping! You Self-centeredPieceof0w8eut90w84eut0o9wiutfgo0weu9g!

Kisses,

Ticked off Chick behind you

P.S. You car is for girls. It comes with a flower. A. FLOWER.

UPDATE: ok,the car comes with a vase for a flower. semantics. ITS STILL FOR A FLOWER! YOU GIRL!

ok I feel all better now.

Witty Title

Just now, I paused my iTunes so I could sneeze...once I sneezed, I pressed play.

what the ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night, I had a girl moment. And I mean a total girlOnTheBrinkBigFatCrocodileTears moment cuz--oh! speaking of fat--I am. Normally, this is a lingering thought that tugs at my self conscience of which, I do nothing about.

usually.

well instead.

this time.

unlike last time.

or that other time.

(how long can i do this one sentence per line crap you ask).

that long.

oh heh. ANYWAY. on with the story-- I went to the gym, at the boyfriends suggestion (god love him). and so I went. Man, I kicked some elliptical ass! Usually, when I hop on to the elliptical, I start out slow and gradually work up to something that equals a sweaty girl cuz GOD! that machine is evil. Ow!

Not this time. oh no. I was p.i.s.s.e.d. off and ellipticalled (totally made that up) with a vengence. Whats more, everytime I felt I was being judged by some moronic (right? cuz you cant possibly have all those muscles and be hot AND have intelligence...that wouldn't be fair) muscle boy who could possibly be, but HIGHLY UNLIKEY (duh), looking my way...I would hit it harder.

Seriously, by the time I was done, my lungs were burning. and as I walked over to the spray and towel to clean my beaten-up machine (as all good gym people do, right! right?), I was seriously worried my legs were gonna give out. I felt all shakey and ...

accomplished.

YEAH TAKE THAT JIGGLY FAT.

and. HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE ME BEAT THAT MACHINE UP! DIDJA? CUZ. I TOTALLY BEAT IT UP!

Today I have the reminants of a severe elliptical beating...toosh and stems slightly achy. But, yeah, I totally won this time.

I'm so happy about it, I just might go back tonight. You can't hide from me, Mr. Elliptical!

oh and! I weighed myself before I left the gym, and turns out? I've only gained 1.5 lbs. since I last went to the gym --which was march. not bad, eh? also, 21 days=3weeks of non-smoker life *flex* take that, nonHavingFaithInMeMoFo's!

Literal Boy Strikes Again!

OK, I don't know if this is all guys or just my guy but...

the dude can never discuss a hypothetical...like ever.

Like if I were to say "what if you lived on the moon, what kinda job would you have?" (and no, Im not usually random like that) to which he would respond with "but I dont live on the moon"

"yeah but, say you did"

"well I cant though, cuz I don't"

rar!

I bring this up cuz we had one of those moments towards the end of our Phoenix trip. I was really feeling like we were totally disrupting their lives cuz we didnt rent a car. To protect the innocent, I will call them "Goose" and "Carol" (Ya know, Tom Cruise's pal on Top Gun and his wife (meg ryan)...cuz he is a fighter pilot and she's...well she is his wife). So Goose told us not to, that they had two cars and it would be fine. So we didn't.

Well, 1. we (ok, maybe just I) forgot that you cant just take off 5 days from the Air Force at the drop of a hat...cuz it doesnt work like that. And 2.when you get visitors during finals, you still have to study and take your tests, no way around that! We (I) had no idea "Carol" had finals during the time we were there, I would have insisted on a reschedule of our trip.

So the "working it out" ended up being us taking "Carol" to and from school every day. Which wasn't a big deal on our part, but, that had to be so not convenient for her.

So Im trying to explain this to my boyfriend (I have yet to come up with a code name for him)...

"Let's say the shoe was on the other foot and Goose asked you if he should rent a car, you would totally say "yeah no! dont rent a car! we've got two cars! we can work it out!" yet when it came down to it, it didnt really work out because I ended up having to work and so did you...see what i mean?"

to which he responded:

"No, cuz we have three cars."

*raises eyebrow*

All signs point to GO THE EFF HOME!

So, im still pissed off about nothing. Which is always pleasant. The highlight of my day thus far has to be. . .

It's 1:30, I leave work at 3:00 and I figured it was about time for lunch. For whatever reason, I am not real hungry today, usually im starving by 11:00. Anyway so I go to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich from the stuff I brought in. I refill my water bottle and I go back to my desk. I unscrew the water bottle, open my Crystal Light Raspberry Ice (red, very red) on the go packet and pour it in. screw back on bottletop. Shakey shakey. "OH SHIT" I say outloud as red stuff drips off me and the WHITE WALL behind me. I didnt close the pop-top.

WHO DOES THAT?

Yeah, me.

So I go to the bathroom, wet some towels, grab some dry ones, wipe off the red stuff that is dripping (yeah, no shit--how the hell??!?!?!) out of my hair onto my neck. pat down the rest of my WHITEfrickin blouse, and hurry back to the wall. This stuff stains! Holy hell, it stains my kitchen counters at home all the time. Walking back to my desk I plot how I will get off what I can and then bring in one of those Mr. Clean Erasers tomorrow morning and fix it all. I sit down and commence cleaning. IT ALL COMES OFF! whew. Trust me if you knew why I would be freaking out, you'd be whew'n too.

So yeah, but the blouse is a goner im sure.

Guh, can I go home now?

btw, you will notice that this is being posted at 2pm. I mean, who doesn't think "oh I totally gotta blog this!" RIGHT AFTER something happens to them?
....No? Just Me?
*blink*

You people make my ass twitch

bad mood.

bad bad bad.

dont talk to me, I dont care.

shutup shutup shutup.

dont come near me. I will bite your head off for no reason.

*seethe*

Dear Bubba,

Today is your birthday, and for some reason my mind is awash with memories...

That summer, instead of working, you took care of me while Mom and Dad worked. Taking care of me (as I remember it) consisted of watching MTV all day, and then cleaning up in the last half hour before mom and dad were due to come home. I remember the Duran Duran video with the lady with the weird make-up and the white suited fellers. I remember Thriller and the scary dead people, and you telling me it wasnt real it was just make-up. I remember the subsequent nightmares. I remember you making me watch the making of the Thriller video to prove the make-up story and me still having nightmares ;). I remember helping dry the dishes then you telling me to go sit down while you finished putting the dishes away. I never said anything but I distinctly remember seeing you pull the dishes back out after you thought I left and re-drying them cuz, well i was 4 or 5 and not very thorough I guess. I remember you trying to teach me to walk without looking down, though surely, that was way earlier in life? I remember how frustrated I was hehe. But, I got it!

I remember those really hot, humid nights and you telling me to "think cool" and me trying so hard and lied and told you it worked. :P

Later on in life, you tried to teach me how to ride a bike. Remember how I ended up freaking out on a hill when a car came? My mouth met the curb and that was that. I remember waking up from sleeping after the accident and saw you fixing my bike. I remember feeling guilty that I let you down. To this day, I do not know how to ride a bike, and to this day, I still feel guilty.

Later still, you tried to teach me how to drive stick in your pick-up truck. I remember shifting gears, or trying to, and you yelling "STOP STOP STOP" and me completely forgetting where the brake was. I remember you somehow pulling the key out of the ignition as we head straight for a telephone poll, and sitting there still and quiet as you returned your heart and stomach to their rightful locations. Meanwhile, Im like, "hey fun, can we do it again!?!?!"

I remember one night when you were home from college, going for a ride in your white vw bug with a black trunk (ha) and we saw one of those spotlights in the sky. We then drove around for a couple of hours trying to find where the spotlight was coming from, which was so exciting to me. Hanging out with my super-cool college brother, and the fact that you wanted to hang out with me? even cooler. I remember another time when you were home from college and you had the cutest puppy dog. You were training him and the puppy peed on the carpet (as they do sometimes). To my shock and horror, you grabbed the puppy dog and rubbed its nose in the carpet where it peed and then put the puppy down. The puppy was wimpering and I felt so bad for the doggy that I reached out to pet it. You yelled at me to not touch her. *sniffle*

I remember your accident and how completely broken (not literally) you were. A week or so (I guess it was) after it happened you flew up here and walked in the door and I gave you a hug and whispered "I love you" in your ear and you started to cry and so did I (heh wow im crying now). You then went upstairs to Mom and Dad's room where Mom was sitting, you got down on your knees, put your head in her lap and cried. I remember later how helpless I felt looking at you through the glass, and how I could do nothing but cry--even though I was trying so hard to not let you see me upset. I remember the letters we wrote back and forth and how I looked forward to your calls. I remember September 11th, but for a different reason. I remember talking to you several times that day, and I remember how scared you sounded. You are a different person now, but in the best way imaginable.

I remember your wedding, and how incredibly happy you were and still are.

My fondest childhood memories all have you in them. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me and I will treasure these memories forever. But we still have more to make, so lets get to it! ;)

Happy Birthday Bubba, I love you!

Love,

Little Bit

ARIBA..ARIBA..ANDALE!!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!! (yay!yay!yay!YAY!*highpitchedwhistle*)

heh days like this I miss San Antonio.

Up here in politico-land its just another day. In San Antonio, it'd be another story. I hear mariachi's singing in the background, I see those big paper flowers, bright colors everywhere, awesome food, guacamole on my shirt (sonofa if I cant not spill on myself), happy drinking people. ohhh also fiesta week is coming soon!!! or did it pass already? damnit, see I've been gone too long!

CRAP! I did miss it!!!!

*tear*

alright so anyway, it's also one of my brothers' birthday! How cool is that? Being born on cinco de mayo. I mean really. AND growing up in san antonio where everyone is celebrating your birthday!!! very nice. Course, I highly doubt my mom was all excited about it being cinco de mayo that fateful day.

oh wait, he was born in Germany on an Army base...

well nevermind then!

ah... fiesta week. Note to self: must schedule vacation during this time and go to san antonio NEXT YEAR. hmph.

oh pssssst. btw. today is 2--COUNT EM: UNO, DOS--weeks of non-smoker life. *bow*

Missed me didntcha?

hmm ok maybe not ;)

I went to Phoenix, AZ for 5 nights for some visiting and hanging out with friends. It was nice. It was hot. It was nice and hot. BUT it was a dry heat see, not humid like here, so it was completely bearable.

Im still smoke-free thankyouverymuch. ok ok OK, I did smoke one while I was drinking...
but but but
it did gross me out!

Plus the fact that I only smoked one is totally impressive cuz normally when I have quit and I am drinking and I decide I must smoke I never Ever stop at one (or ten). This time though was different, this time I chose to sloooooow dowwwwwn the drinking instead so that I didnt get super tipsy/drunk and had full control over myself. oh and to not piss off the boyfriend. and actually now that I think about it, I doubt he knew about the one. woopsy. But you gotta admit, I was stealthy!

and by george it worked!

Anyway, so AZ was interesting. Very weird to see like 7 foot cactus (cactii?) where trees would normally be, I kept thinking of those fake backdrops to plays n stuff. Lots of "rock lawns." Which I would totally love, but only cuz im lazy, not cuz it's pretty (at all).

ohhhhhhhh on the excruciatingly long plane ride over (ok, 4.5 hours aint all that bad but it's the longest i've ever been on!) the lady sittin next to me taught me the ways of the sudoku--and holy hell I love this game!

no, hehe, im totally serious. I even went to walgreens while in AZ and bought not one but TWO sudoku puzzle books. anytime we were just sitting around watching tv or whatever, my nose was in my puzzle book.

I shit you not, I was solving sudoku puzzles in my sleep last night.

no, seriously.

I started with the sudoku puzzles in the airline mag, then I moved on to a Sudoku puzzle my friend found in the newspaper when I was apparently twitchy about it. I never solved that one...it was a 5 star one people! I forgot to bring it home with me.

It's still bothering me that I won't be able to solve it. Perhaps I could have her mail it to me?

You think im kidding, but im so not.

and it's not a good thing that I found web sudoku...

Attack! of the Amazon Women!

So the other Im at the deli downstairs in my office building buying something bad for me, no doubt (I can't remember), and I see this girl. She's about my age but she is like NINE FEET TALL. Well ok, maybe not 9, but holy crap she was tall! She was also...umm...thick, I guess? Like she was a big woman, in every way.

So fast forward to today, and I see the girl again while I am waiting for the elevator and she is with another Nine foot tall girl. Only, this girl was taller than her! If thats possible!

The friend/co-worker was in a sparkly top and black jeans with wet, long, really long hair. She looked like she was ready to go to 'da club, she also looked like Xena. It's like 1 in the afternoon and Im thinking...did she just get to work? (or did she just get off her night job? heh. oops. who said that?)

Anyway, so up we go in the elevator. All 3 of us. Now, I do not claim to be tiny by any stretch of the imagination. But im part spanish, and therefore, quite short. Wait. I know what you are thinking but...spanish women are short people! Look at my mom! I tower (ok, maybe not TOWER, but im totally taller) over her and im like 5'3-ish. Anyway, so I'm standing there and I haven't felt that short in a really, really, REALLY long time. I mean, I felt like I was 2 feet tall in that elevator. I swear I was face to face with their knee caps.

I couldn't look at them in the eye cuz
I couldn't see that far up
I felt if I looked at it directly in the eye, it'd squash me like a bug
I was so friggin intimidated! I admit it!

ok ok, I am exaggerating some...they're 8 feet tall. heh, I dunno they are tall womenz and HOLY MOLEY, I didnt know they grew 'em that big!

When they got off the elevator I noticed Xena was wearing like 5 inch stilletto heels...For the love of god, why? Oh! and, speaking of bugs, a flying bug of some sort (mosquito perhaps) flew in my face when they got off.

I wonder if it was in the wet hair?

wooo...catty aren't we Tricia *meow*

Feh! Bah! SONOFA

erm. I suck.

I lasted FIVE measley hours before I messaged my friend:

Me: Need.
Me: Smoke.
Me: Now.
Me: *twitch*
Her: deep breaths????
Me: I'll give you deep breaths!

heh. nice huh.

fast forward to 3:20 when I was leaving work.

I stopped. at the deli downstairs. and. bought. AFrigginPackOfCigarettes.

guh. where'd that willpower go?

I can't even bring myself to go to the gym. Which I need desperately. So...I should go.

Yeah, uh not gonna happen.

Tomorrow is another day, no?

Current Score--> Tricia: 0, Nicotine: 2

rar. damnit Tricia.

"Smokkaaaaay" has left the building!*

I have just finished my last cigarette...for good.

No, seriously.

Hush up, It's gonna work this time.

Ugh. it better work.

I've smoked "officially" since I was 17. I came home from school one day and my mom was at the dining room table. I put my backpack down and sat down with her for our daily rundown of the days events. My dad came up behind me and put an ashtray in front of me. He said "next time, use it." (doh, busted) And that was that.

No one could really say anything I guess. At that time all 3 of my brothers and my father all smoked. My poor mom had to deal with a smokey house for years and years.

When I was younger, I used to complain about how the smoke would stink up my hair. I would announce anytime anyone lit up that they were taking 7 years off their life and "ewww smoking is grody."

and then I started smoking. Ironic, isn't it?

anyway so 11 years of smoking...it's time to close that chapter before I kill myself for real. Everyone in my family has quit. EVERYONE. so, damnit I've got willpower in the ol' genes!

This is the perfect time to quit cuz we are going to visit some friends of ours who got married recently. Her mom and his dad have both passed in recent years due to cancer. She gives me the evil stare when I smoke in front of her. And since we are staying at their house during our visit, I'd just rather avoid the uncomfyness of it all.

I am NOT looking forward to the moodiness, and the exhaustion, and the holyMotherOfGodBackYouEvilGirlBackISayMOODINESS. I know my boyfriend sure isn't. Poor guy. He has gone through this with me countless times. He is usually quite a trooper. There has been once or twice where he said "GOD! Go smoke already!" hehe...I crossed the line there I suppose. Oopsy.

I am, however, looking forward to not being stinky and not being worried about when I will be able to have my next cigarette, and no more $40/carton...geesh.

I am going to try to control my moods by taking my aggression out on gym equipment. I gotta keep my appetite in check, cuz if past try's (and there have been many) are any indication, I become eatingEverythingInSightMonsterGirl (rar!).

ugh. pleaseworkpleaseworkpleaseworkpleaseworkpleasework. IcandothisIcandothisIcandothisIcandothis.

* My boyfriend calls me "smoookkaaaay" like from the movie Friday. He thinks it's funny. I find it kinda offensive. Time to give me a new nickname love ;D

11 Reasons I shoulda stayed home today. . .

1. Get out of bed right about the time I am supposed to be leaving the house.
   
2. Have outfit on that took me an HOUR to decide on last night--and it ain't even cute.
3. Head to car, realize I dont have my badge for work. Head back to door, realize I put my keys away in the black hole that is my purse. Put purse on ground to commence digging. Umm, Tricia it's friggin PITCH BLACK OUT HERE. Pick purse up, head to car. Walk to drivers side door. Oh wait I need cigarettes. Head to trunk. Wait no I dont. Head back to drivers side. SH...YES I DO. Head back to trunk. Open trunk grab cigarettes (I keep my carton in there. I dont wanna hear it). Close trunk. DANGIT. There was light in the trunk I coulda searched for keys. Open trunk back up. Oh I could just start the car and look while sitting in lit car. Close trunk. I wonder where my badge is...I didnt see it on the table. Unlock car. Bingo! Badge hanging innocently on rear-view mirror. Bastard badge. Time wasted=Im guessing 5 to 10 minutes. I musta looked stupid walking back and forth like that. Good thing no one was up yet!
   
4. I have pantyhose! But still no makeup. So beware--don't look at me or you will turn to stone. Believe it.
   
5. On the drive to work, had my window down (smoking...shut it) and I heard this strange sound, like scurrying or something? Then I hit a bump! Looked in my rearview mirror. Yep, I hit some kinda ROUS (Rodent of Unusual Size--Princess Bride...geez watch a movie every now and again, k? GAWSH!...Napoleon--wait, seriously ya don't know?). The dude behind me hit him/her too. Poor thing.
6. Driving along feeling all guility that I just hit something and worrying about my karma, I notice my backway to work is all. friggin. backed.up.
7. bah. 95N. grrr.
8. (this is about the time I realized I forgot my makeup yet again)
9. Lovely sinus(ish) headache rearing its ugly head.
10. Was gonna wear heels to dress up the outfit but decided against it. I feel all dumpy now.
11. NO EFFFING MAKEUP. Blah!

(Silver lining, Tricia) But its beaaaaaaaaaaaaaaautiful outside though ain't it? (Good girl)

In your head, in your head Zombie Zombie

eh! eh! Eh! oh!

cranberries?...nm.

I feel like a walking zombie today. And I left my makeup at home so I probably look like one too.

I slept this weekend--oh MAN did I sleep. Mini coma, perhaps? Now I'm in the I'veSleptTooMuchHaze that I can't seem to shake yet.

I was late to work today, why? CUZ I WAS SLEEPIN'

good gravy.

I have no pantyhose either. Im breakin' the law!

*yawn* so...slee...p...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[insert coffee drip]

So this weekend (when I wasnt sleeping) found out that YET ANOTHER friend of ours is getting ready to pop the question to his girlfriend. Also, a friend of a friend got married this weekend. Another friend is preggers again... la la la...everyone moving on with life except for me...la la la.

Seriously, im gonna get violent soon.

Guess being the last one's to get married ain't so bad? Right? RIGHT!?!?!

meh, I'm happy. Honestly, I am truly happy. I need to stop the whining. After all, happy is what everyone wants. and me? I GOTS IT PUNKS!

i still wanna be hitched though *sniffle*

I spy with my little eye. . .

a glimpse of my future baby...



*headbangs while making "metal hand gesture"*


it's like they read my mind!

rock on lil' one!


Easy there love, I am not hinting at a thing. Start breathing again. ;)

Things that go bump! in the night

I smoke. I know I know, it's bad for me and I'm gonna die but let's just put that aside for a sec...

I smoke out on our deck. I put the cigarette butts in used water bottles for a make shift ashtray...it works.

Background: Our house is backed to a small little forest and behind that is a church. We are the second house from the end and there is a tiny grouping of trees between the side of the last house and the main road. From the road to the side of the house on the end there is a trail where people (kids, mostly) cut through to get to where ever they are going. We do not have a fence and we have stairs going from the top deck to the bottom "deck". When my boyfriend got the townhouse inspected, the inspector (gadget...woo! woo!) said that the wood on the deck needs to be replaced and until we do, to not have too many people on the deck at the same time (eeps!).

So, I have a number of fears:

#1 Being Attacked! by Non-Existant Attackers

When I am outside smoking, I think about some crazy critter or some crazy human coming up the stairs and attacking! me. I admit it's stupid, but I apparently have an active imagination. So I keep my back to the door ensuring I will always be able to see my attacker. The light on our deck is not the greatest and the fireplace chimney protrudes out blocking the light from the rest of the deck. So its all creepy dark on the far end of the deck. So I huddle near the light and door. There are days when I look out into the "forest" and I hear rustling or swear I see something looking! at me. It ends up just being the water gauge (or something, I dunno, Its a light green thing and has this bright orange sticker on it that sometimes look like eyes (ooohhh scary). Like I said, active imagination. I also, lean over and peer around the chimney protrusion (its a word) to see if there is anyone there waiting patiently to attack! me. It could happen..

#2 Fall down, go boom

Likewise, I also have this fear of falling! through the deck. Ya know, cuz its so old and we haven't replaced the wood. So I step lightly, and when I hear a creak, my stomach drops just slightly. I have a general fear of falling, but I will leave that for another time.

#3 The Roof! The Roof! The Roof is on FIAH

I also worry about setting the house on fire with my make-shift ashtrays so I am constantly adding water to the bottle. It's dumb and I feel like Im watering a plant almost...only...not.

#4 WHAT THE F... WAS THAT?!?!?!

When my boyfriend travels, I blame every single sound I hear on the cats. Even the ones that the cats couldnt possibly make. Like random pounding on the wall. It makes me feel better. There was one time when the cats were not in the house (at my parents, catsitting--my parents were catsitting, not the cats babysi..well you get it) and I heard a noise and thought to myself "it's the cats" and I rolled over in bed to get more comfy. Then I thought "yo stupid, the cats arent even here." "shhhhh" I told myself.

#5 oooooh, Coocoi!

Somewhat related...When I was a kid, I used to tell myself that if I was covered completely with my blanket the monsters wouldn't get me. This must've stuck (cuz it works, duh!) because I tend to wake up all sweaty to this day. It doesn't matter that I'm melting in my sleep, im protected from the monsters! Or "coocoi", as it was known. Not sure of the spelling, but its pronounced "COO-COO-EEE". (There are times when I pretend I'm more spanish (not mexican, I said spanish demmit!) than I actually am.)

weirdo ;)

Big Love!

I have to say that I am totally getting sucked into this show. After I watched the first episode, I was so...what's the word...I dunno, disgusted maybe?

Second episode got me hooked though, still not sure why. Maybe it's a horribleAccidentOnTheSideOfTheRoadButCan'tStopLooking type deal?

So far, Nikki freaks me out and pisses me off. She seems so evil, no? Margie looks like she is...I dunno...15, maybe? She looked older in Mona Lisa Smile. Wonder how they are getting her to look that young? Her skin looks super duper soft. Someone tell me how to do that. And let's see...oh... Barbara, I don't seem to have any issue with, but whats up with her lips? Something wigs me out about 'em. Oh and she said "oral is moral." something icks me out about that too.


Wow Tricia, prude much?

Never thought so, but I dunno...?

and Bill. I'm just seeing waaaaaaaaaay more of him than I would like to. Nekkid Twister guy...grody. Hope he keeps hydrated cuz GOOD LORD they get it on a LOT.

Someone at the cable company is gettin ready to be fired cuz, the newest unaired episode shows up on HBO OnDemand the week before that episode is to air. Tsk. Tsk. Wish they would screw up with Sopranos too, that would be sweet.

I would never be able to be a polygamist.

Dripping with guilt...

One night, back in good 'ol San Antonio, my Mom and I were walking to the car from our apartment. I stepped off the curb headed towards the passenger side and heard this loud thump and a "oof" sort of noise. My mom had tripped over the cement block that was in front of the car. She fell on her knees and broke her fall with her hands. I tried to help her up but like most stubborn independent women, she refused it. We got into the car and blood was dripping down her legs and she skinned the palms of her hands trying to break her fall.

I instantly felt this overwhelming feeling of guilt. It wasn't my fault that she fell, but I still felt a sense of responsibility somehow. Like I should have reminded her about the cement block or something.

Anyway, like the trooper she was, she wiped the blood off her legs with a tissue, rubbed her hands together, took a deep breath, and put the key in the ignition. I don't remember much after that, just the flood of guilt that washed over me and seemed to stay for quite a while.

I bring this up because I had a sort of flashback last night. My boyfriend and I were walking from a Restaurant (yumm...Sweetwater Tavern) to the car. I walked to the passenger side of his car, stepped off the curb and the guilt washed over me again. I instantly flashed back to that moment when my mom fell, and I felt like crying. I looked back to see if she was OK, but my boyfriend was already at the drivers side door unlocking the car (or getting in--I forget, reality is fuzzy at this moment). I get into the car and I'm quiet. I tell my boyfriend what just happened and he is sympathetic, then he tells me how something similar happened to him.

Even now, I can't shake this guilty feeling. WTF????

This has happened to me before, and I can't pinpoint what triggers the memory. But usually when it comes, I call my mom and somehow work it into the conversation that I was thinking about that moment and tell her how I felt/am feeling. She then tries to console me which makes me feel even worse.

How tough my mom is, and is always the crutch I lean on. I know if it was me who had fallen, I would have broken into tears and sat on the pavement crying like the baby I am. I wonder when I will inherit her toughness?

Maybe one day...