Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Engine Engine Number Nine

Ya know, not much happens when you work from home. Nothing blog-worthy anyway. Though I am sure some would argue that most of my past topics weren't blog-worthy either. But I ignore them. Or apply duck tape to their mouths.


A friend of ours swooped into town this past weekend with her usual mix of big smiles, mass amounts of wit, and lots of laughs. I love her to pieces. Please come more often m'kay? We gots room yo!


BF went to the grocery store for me this week. NO. SHIT. *fist pump*


Ass: Still Fat
Jeans: Still Falling--even with belt
Water Consumption: Inconsistent
Vitamin Intake: Inconsistent
Gym Visits: !!!!!!INCONSISTENT MOTHER OF HELL!!!!!!!!
Pounds Lost: still need a scale.
Wall Staring: Surplus. Mad Surplus
Smoking: Smoked Saturday evening *sigh* Margaritas were involved. I'm weak.
Bon Jovi: Still in car. Meaningful pointing continues.

And you guys? How are ya'll doin?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Now with 50% less whining!

So yeah, that last post was a little whiney wasn't it? Sorry about that.


BF has been out of town since two Saturday's ago. I was out of town from two Sunday's ago to this past Friday. Using dates would probably be easier, but then I'd have to go find a calendar. And I'm really comfy right now, so just try to follow me here.

All last week when I was in Virginia, my parents kept suggesting that maybe I should stay through the weekend. Or, why don't I stay next week too? You can work from home! The roof of my mouth started to get itchy cuz...another week with my parents? Hmm.. tempting.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But.. yeah. I wanted to go home.

So I left at noon on Friday like I always do. The trip home was longer than usual. Who knew President's Day Holiday was a traveling holiday! I missed the exit for 485 which is the highway that runs by the house.

No IDEA how that shit happened. But really, thats mostly expected of me by now, isn't it?

After cursing loudly and repeatedly for several minutes and passing SEVERAL exits that I could've totally gotten off on and turned around, I finally picked an exit, turned around and sat in traffic for a half hour, which was awesome.

So I finally got home, and aside from the cats and the tick of the clock on the wall, the house was eerily quiet. Usually, BF is at home when I get home and he wasn't.

I normally revel in my time alone but this time was different for some reason, and I have no idea why really.

The bonus was that this was a three day weekend! By myself! HOOOO BOY! ALL THE THINGS I COULD DO!!! BY MYSELF!


I honestly thought this weekend was gonna rule, cuz I'd be alone and umm.. stuff?

I was wrong.

JFC I've never been so bored in my entire life. I updated my flickr page, I checked twitter more than a normal human should. I did laundry, picked up the house eventhough hi! I've been gone for a week--what is there to pick up? I went grocery shopping, dropped off prescriptions, picked up prescriptions. I ORGANIZED MY PANTRY.


Tree, whom I had a date with Valentine's Day Night (wait, what?), had given me "Martian Child" to watch. I had to watch it twice, cuz I wasn't even paying attention the first time. THATS HOW BORED I WAS. I COULDNT EVEN FOCUS. WITH ALL THE LIKE... BOREDOM!

John Cusack...*dreamy sigh* The second time though, the movie was really good! Thanks Tree!

Monday night, I went to dinner with some of BF's co-workers (at his suggestion, dont be weird) because I NEEDED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!

So yeah. BF comes home Friday. So I have several more boring evenings ahead. Woe is me.

Got my number? CALL ME PLS!

Oh hey, I said less whining... maybe next time, k?

Sunday, February 17, 2008

on Smoking

When I was a child, I hated smoking. I hated that it would make my very long hair smell like an ashtray, and my clothes. I used to complain to my mother and she'd nod in agreement, but that's all we could do was vent. By ourselves in the car--our one and only smoke-free environment. All 3 of my brothers and my father smoked. We were the minority in the household and certainly weren't going to get them to smoke OUTSIDE instead of filling up our cozy little home with that awful smell. After that one lesson in health class, I had begun to give them weekly lectures about how with every cigarette they smoked, they were taking 7 minutes off their life. And didn't they think that was awful? They should quit. It shouldn't be that hard! I was very naive.

Fast forward to me... 8th grade. My friend Jenn and I started sneaking cigarettes from our parent's packs for no real reason other than sheer boredom. We were too old to play, and not quite old enough to be hanging out at the mall like the high school kids. So we hung out in the woods and smoked instead. No one was the wiser since we always smelled like smoke anyway. Instead of candy or ice cream, we purchased Marlboro Red's from our neighborhood ice cream man.

High school. Smoked with my best friend Jennie (different girl) as she drove me home in her truck. She had to sit on her foot to drive because she was short. Shorter than me, if you can believe that. I never did smoke in the bathroom or behind the building at school. I was a good bad girl. I had my limits. At home, I'd sneak a cigarette occasionally. I'd smoke in my closet, or out my bedroom window. I didn't worry about the smell since our house was filled with it all the time anyway. I thought it was a foolproof plan.

I came home one day from school and walked in the back door of the apartment into the kitchen. My Dad was standing at the counter making himself his 40th cup of coffee of the day and my Mom was sitting at the kitchen table. I thought nothing of it, and tossed my backpack and sat down with her. Had the usual conversation: "So, how was school?" "Fine" "What did you do today" "Umm.. learned stuff."

I was a real peach.

My dad came up behind me and put an ashtray in front of me and said, "next time. USE IT" I felt my face get hot and my stomach sank, immediately filling with a million butterflies--the kind you get when you know you've been busted and there is nothing you can do. My throat went dry and I swallowed hard, and looked at my mom. I could read the disappointment in her eyes. The bond and united front we once had, was now broken. I felt like such a hypocrite.

The shame that I felt, however, didnt stop me from continuing on my smokey path. I wish it had.

After that, my parents told me it was okay to smoke in front of them. I refused. It felt so weird. It felt it close to being able to cuss in front of them and it being OK (it wasn't, I still cringe when "Shit" slips out now, and I'm nearly 31). It just felt wrong. I felt ashamed and embarrassed the one time I tried it. Years later, my dad would occasionally come visit me outside when I was smoking. The shame and embarrassment has not gone away.

College, freshman year, smoking started to become something I HAD to do instead of something I WANTED to do. I started to get twitchy when long stretches of time had passed without a cigarette. I noticed that I was always making sure I had enough on me where ever I went, lest I die should I have one less than I needed. I thought nothing of it since all my friends did the same thing. It felt normal. It felt OK. I know now that it so wasn't.

And so began the addiction. The complete transformation from relatively sweet happy girl to full-on bitch when I hadn't had one in a while. The pre-planning.

When I met BF, he wasn't real crazy about the fact that I was a smoker but accepted it anyway. Sort of. When I would get moody or pissy he'd tell me "just go have a cigarette already!" I was well aware of how I smelled and how smokey breath probably wasn't exactly the most kissable thing in the world. So I began carrying a pack of gum with me at all times. Though in hindsight, I doubt the mix of Wrigley's spearmint and smoke was any more attractive. About a year into our relationship, I realized just how much he hid how much he hated it. This is the first time I decided to quit. I failed, obviously. I failed because I didnt want to, but was doing it for him. I was in love, and wanted to make him happy.

Since then, I've quit for a zillion reasons. Recently though, the reasons have been for me. Because about 4 years ago I began to hate it. Yet it calls to me, in a loving, soothing, familiar voice. It is the first thing I go to when I am stressed out, having a bad day, or just for no reason at all. I've been a smoker now for 12 years.

There's days when I am glad I no longer smoke, and there's others where I miss it so much that my heart beats faster at the idea of having just one.

Some days are easier than others, and yeah, I do hit minor bumps in the road and give in for a split second. But I keep trying. And that to me, is a victory in itself.

I really want to be a non-smoker (and have been on Chantix for 3 straight weeks now) but every time an occasion comes up in which smoking used to be involved for me, like say going to a bar, etc. My throat tightens and my heart starts to beat faster in anticipation, and I begin to doubt myself and already start to plan how I will deceive myself. The next day though, the after effects shine through and I get right back on that horse.

I have become aware of the effects smoking has on my body. I have some ... uhh... digestive issues that are only exasperated by smoking. My nails become brittle, the skin on my fingers is apparently very delicate and I get that awful tinge of yellow between my index finger and my middle finger. My skin dries out. I have headaches a lot more often. My level of fatigue is heightened drastically. My throat is perpetually scratchy and tight. Phlegm. It's just all around bad and nasty, but I forget all of that when the thought of how smoking just one would be so nice right now. I know it will kill me and yet it hasn't been enough to make me stop. It's amazing how reason and intellect fly out the window when addiction is involved.

I hate that my quitting has become this running joke between me and everyone around me. I call it my hobby and laugh at it to hide the deep disappointment in myself. When my friends or BF rolls their eyes at me when I tell them I have quit, it hurts way deep inside. But I smile anyway and say "I know, I know." I would really love for one of these times for someone to squeeze my hand and look me dead in the eye and say "I know you can do it." But I know that it is my fault and mine alone that I have not been successful yet, and I can't blame the lack of support.

Still. Having someone support my determination at least, would really mean a lot.

All 3 of my brothers and my father are now all smoke-free. They did it, seemingly, with complete ease, and I just don't understand why this is so hard for me. It's just so very disappointing.

One of these times I will be successful in my endeavor. I need to believe this time is it.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Sounds of Basketball

In recent years, my mom has become a serious basketball fan. More specifically, a die-hard San Antonio Spurs fan. My brothers and I are highly amused about this for two reasons:

1. When we lived in San Antonio she could've cared less.
2. Watching her watch a game is so much fun. Hell, even listening to her while in another room is downright entertaining.

She sits on the edge of her seat with one leg folded under her. She sits straight up and rocks forward and stretches her neck when the ball is in the air. If it's the opposing team shooting, "NOOOOO! MISS IT! MISS IT! MISS IT! MISS IT!" If they make it, "AWWWW!" and slouches in defeat. If they miss it, as she requested, "WAY TO GO!", complete with fist pump (so THAT'S where I get it from!)

Sometimes in unison with my dad.

If the Spurs are shooting, "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!" Should they miss, "C'MON [player's first name--you know, cuz they are so tight]!" If they make it, "WAY TO GO!" and then immediately turns to my dad, and says, "three pointer?" he says, "no, two."

They then watch TV for an hour or so to "settle down" It's constant yelling at the tv, mostly from my mom. Which is quite different from what used to be the norm: my dad furiously yelling at the tv (he tends to uhh, pick lack-luster teams), while my mom occupied herself otherwise. It's nice that he now has a partner to watch one of his favorite sports with. Hearing her yell and clap and get so excited makes me smile.

I hope that when I am married for 42 years (I think? Math hurts my teeny brain), I will have that with BF too.

[Edited to Add] It's 48, not 42. I knew that looked wrong.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Monthly Roadtrip to VA: Highlights

  1. Packing the night before is ingenious, why didn't I think of this sooner?

  2. Gassing up the night before, also brilliant

  3. Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet is amazingly entertaining on a long drive

  4. Driving in high winds requires two hands, moron

  5. Cops seen: 2335678901

  6. Tickets acquired: 0 *fist pump*

  7. Speaking of fist pump, what is it about Bon Jovi that makes me do odd things with my hands? Fist pump, meaninful pointing, etc. (I mean really, how else would you sing Living on a Prayer?)

  8. Note to self: When you leave earlier, you encounter assloads of traffic

  9. Drove by an accident where a tree had fallen on a moving vehicle. Yowzah.

  10. Did the whole "Holy Shit dude, if I hadn't stopped to pee, that totally coulda been me!

  11. Turning up Bon Jovi LOUDER helps stifle the drama queen.

  12. Switching to Al Greene while moving a whole 2 mph on 95 calms the beast within. Car dancing does a lot for the soul.

  13. Upping water intake has adverse affects on making trip in 5.5 hours.

  14. Saw a pink and purple striped AND checkered car. No lie. Driver was serious about it too.

  15. Taking pics of said car with iPhone in windy conditions? Not so brilliant. Nor fruitful. Did get a picture of my rear view mirror though.

  16. Driving headaches are the awesome.

  17. Is can be go home time now pls?

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Lazy: 1234234532523523523523, Tricia:1

Seriously. I done worked out tonight!

Try not to faint, I know it is hard.

Between the email banter from my two girls back and forth today and a discussion with Cluss this morning, these women gave me the strength (and the guilt, thank you KegOfSunshine :P) to go forth and sweat.

After work, I had big plans man. BIG! HUGE!

I was gonna do dishes, scoop some kitty litter, switch out some laundry, then march upstairs and pop my Turbo Jam DVD in and move my flabby ass.

All was going well until I entered my living room (which, mind you, is FIVE steps from my office)... and the couch called to me. No seriously! It said "Tricia, come sit with me. I'm so lonely without you. wooooooooooeeeeeee."

... ok so, too much?

Anyway, I gave in and cuddled up with the blanket (I'm always cold after work, don't ask me why) and turned on the TV. The minute I settled in, guilt washed over me, and I thought to myself "Ok dude, but only for 30 minutes."

I watched the clock more than I watched whatever it was that was on TV. When it was 5 minutes 'til, I decided to ignore the clock and focus on what I was watching and get warm. The chime on our clock sang its little song, and i sat.

2 minutes later, I had just about convinced myself that tomorrow! totally tomorrow! I'll do it.

and then I heard kegOfSunshine in my head telling me she was going to call me tonight and check to see if I had worked out like I promised. I contemplated lying, and then immediately realized that even if i could lie to her (which I cant), I would feel so very very guilty.

And apparently the feeling of guilt is a motivator!

I kicked off the blanket, skipped the chores, and marched my lazy ass upstairs. Changed Clothes and worked out.


And then I came down, did my chores like a good girl, and made dinner. Let's not discuss what I ate for dinner though. BABY STEPS PEOPLE.

And I STILL had time to stare at the wall tonight. Imagine that.

I took my vitamin this morning (check) and I had 4 24oz bottles of water today. I plan on having 1 or two more (check check check!).

I have had to pee A LOT today. In fact, Ive had so much water to drink today that I pooped water. No lie.

You're welcome.

Monday, February 04, 2008

In a Rut.

You ever notice how I make a declaration on here and there's a couple of updates regarding my progress and then it sorta disappears?

I'll give you two guesses what that means.

It means I lack follow-through and willpower and perseverance. The force of lazy and general suck is strong with me. I admit it openly and outwardly.

I have yet to go back to the gym. I smoke every so often. I have not lost a single pound. I have not purchased new jeans (did buy a belt though!). My water intake lacks in quantity and my vitamin intake is null.

I have two friends dear to my heart who made a pact with me in which we would workout, eat right, run a marathon (HA) and get hot and skinny and go to beach with no shame. We even discussed perhaps the carribbean and the like.

We promised to check in on each other and pester pester pester and motivate motivate motivate!

Thus far, I'm the only one who hasnt "womaned up", as it were.

I get emails from these two almost on a daily basis and seriously ladies, I cannot thank you enough for the persistence. Please do not stop.

I will admit, there is a gigantor part of me that wants to blame the bit of drama life has handed me in the last week or so, or the large quantities of work I have been doing or ....I DUNNO THE SUN SHINING. SOMETHING. I WANT TO BLAME SOMETHING.

I hit reply to these messages and begin to type the reason du jour, and then I find myself getting PISSED OFF. My heart starts to beat a little faster and my teeth start to grind because I know. deep down. There is no suitable excuse. I hit backspace and type "I KNOW. theres no acceptable excuses." Because, jesus christ Tricia. How hard is it to jump around to a workout tape for 30-45 minutes. I mean really.

I have every intention of working out. I set my alarm every night so that I will wake-up and have enough time to work out prior to logging in to work. And then I stay up til god knows when tossing and turning and thinking about this or that PLEASE SHUTUP BRAIN I NEED SLEEP. NO. SHUTUP. SERIOUSLY.

So my alarm goes off and I either hit snooze for the next however long, or I reset my alarm to wake up 20 minutes before I have to log in to work. And even then, I have to pry myself from the comfy clutches of my bed.

I love how I cant sleep all night but the morning. the morning is when i suddenly have no issue.

Oh look, an excuse! Excuse me while I FALL OVER IN UDDER SHOCK.

I get up and shower. vow to workout after work.

and then I .... ugh working out after work, its just not happening. who am i kidding?

and round and round we go.

I made brownies after dinner tonight. Ha Ha. I rule at this.

Guess I will try again tomorrow. Wish me luck.