Friday, June 30, 2006

Of Fireflies and snowflakes. . .

Last night I went outside before bed--yes damnit, to smoke--and I noticed this little light show I was witnessing. I was standing out on the deck facing the little forest behind our house and these little neon green twinkles would emerge every so often. Like a lot of them! It was one of those moments where you stop and notice nature and are suddenly really greatful to be alive and witnessing all its miracles.

I remember my first summer in Virginia--(kicking and screaming--and yes! more on that later, I swear). I had already met the feller that I am still with today *swoon*, I got over myself and the kicking and screaming. . .

cuz really, you can only act like a spoiled brat for so long before you realize that you are being a freaking spoiled brat and cease the retarded act with a quickness. I have a sneaky suspicion the sudden change of heart was directly related to meeting the bf, hehe ;) --but seriously! more on that later!

. . . and started to accept my new home. One sticky summer evening, my mom called me into the kitchen with such an urgency in her voice that I didn't even hesitate running to her side. She was peering out the kitchen window. Before I could say anything snotty about the unnecessary urgency she said "just look outside Trishy, just look." So I looked out the window. I kept looking for someone or something that would cause such an urgent beckoning, and then a little twinkle caught my eye! Look! over there! DID YOU SEE THAT?! and then oh! over there too! and oh! look! over there! I caught myself saying this outloud and feeling like I was 5 again, excited and washed over with wonder. We stood there for a long time just watching the fireflies dance around in our backyard and that is one of my fondest memories of my first few months in Virginia.

In the winter, the same exact scenario happened the night of the first snowfall of the season. Being from Texas, I hadn't seen actual snow since I was in 3rd grade.

--THE PART WHERE I FLASHBACK TO THIRD GRADE: They shut down our school. My dad came to get me and my friend (we lived across the street from the elementary school). I remember slipping in the crosswalk (no shock there) while holding my Dad's hand as we (attempted) to cross the street to our apartment complex. I remember playing in the snow and how the snow seeped into my knit gloves (cuz, WHY would you need water resistant gloves in Texas?). I remember how much the snow hurt my fingers because it was so cold.

I remember it all melting later that day, and being so disappointed to see my new friend go so quickly.


I remember rushing over to the window again, certain there was going to be no fireflies at this time of the year. I stopped mid-stride halfway to the window and saw snowflakes! Real live snowflakes! My mom and I smiled at each other and giggled and hurried to put on our shoes on and coats over our pajamas. We went out on the deck, I watched my mom stick her arms out, palms up, face to the sky....

and then she stuck her tongue out with a big grin on her face.

I remember thinking I was seeing, if just for a moment, what she was like when she was a young girl. I mimicked her and we began twirling in circles on the deck, giggling and smiling. And then I noticed my Dad looking at us through the window, shaking his head "damn southeners" is what I imagine him thinking (he grew up in New York and is no stranger to the white stuff).

Anyway, now that I have been here for 10 years, each time I encounter the fireflies or the snowflakes it stops me dead in my tracks and makes me smile and think just how lucky I am. and how I should really call me mom and tell her I love her and how she made life that much more memorable. :P

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

the one where she recalls random crap and wants to tell you about it

So I was outside smoking taking in the fresh air (whatever, shut-up) and noticed a teeny tiny car with one of those driving school signs on the top. The person was pulling out of the parking lot and making a left onto the street...

ever sooooooo sloooooooowwwwllllly.

and I didnt really think anything about it until I looked away and then looked back and realized, "holy crap, she is STILL turning!"

now, ok, perhaps this is an exaggeration and I have no idea how long she really took but holy moley! it seemed like FOR. EV. ER.

This made me think about when I started driving...(and then I thought Hey! I can blog this! Ya know, the thought process of a normal person...)

I learned to drive when I moved here. I dunno why I never bothered to get my license with all the normal people at 16 but I didnt. I had no interest once so ever, and all my friends had cars and licenses so why bother? also. my dad sort of had this unwritten whispered rule about kids not driving til they were 18.

which, now that I am older? that is a fine fine rule, I mean have you seen those fools drive?

Anyway, when I moved here kicking and screaming (more on that later), my Dad informed me that the sweet '86 T-bird he was driving was going to be mine when he purchased a new car. Once that car was officially mine, man I couldn't stay out of the thing. I'd nervously back it out of the garage (with a big ass grin on my face) and then proceed to wash or wax the thing--like every other day. This was all I could do with it cuz I had not yet acquired my license.

My mom did let me drive it around the neighborhood with her as passenger when Dad was at work but shhhhhhhhhh dont tell.

So when it finally came time for me to get my license, I was 18. Virginia rules are (or were anyway) all hokey about "older new drivers." Bascially, I only had to acquire so many hours of driving time then I could take the written and driving test at the DMV, but I had to wait til I turned 19 (yeah, wtf?).

So we set up my driving lessions to acquire the "driving time." I was all sick with nervous excitement that morning as I waited for my instructor to arrive. She pulled up in this like geo metro which was a little disappointing though I am not sure why I expected to drive some really nice car. I get in the driver's seat. She points out some stuff, has me adjust my mirrors and then she goes "OK! anytime you are ready!" And this is where my hands start to get all shakey cuz jesus christ dontcha ease people into this at all? No? not so much?

So she has me drive to the GW Parkway. Thats right, death road itself. I'm driving along with the grip of steel on the steering wheel, trying to remember to check my mirrors and dont go too fast! and I guess I was hugging the shoulder some cuz I kept driving over those drains on the side of the road and it would make a loud noise but I didnt wanna move closer to the inside cuz! OMG! theres cars driving past me! I could get too close! Even though the chick kept saying "uhm you might wanna move closer to the inside of your lane. Meanwhile, I just kept thinking "yeah right, who's driving! WHO!" and then i noticed the exact same driving set up in front of her in the passenger seat. weird little cars those things are.

I remember the drains vividly, and even when I drive the parkway now I think about it and make it a point to not drive over them. But when I do, the noise isnt as loud as I remember it.

Anyway so long story short (heh) I failed my first test cuz it was drizzling and I was too nervous to notice that the few drops on the window were TOTALLY impairing my view and I did not use my wipers! gasp! the horror!

I ended up having to take the driving test again and I passed and then they informed us about a little rule that I could not take the written test until my 19th birthday. As luck would have it, my birthday fell on the same day that fall semester started and gasp! I had to totally drive myself to my first day of school. So i drove my car to the dmv (shhh) while my parents drove behind me. I took my test and drove to school...


holy crap i felt like i was going to kindergarten all over again or something.

My dad has this thing where he cant pull into a spot and be happy with it ...OH NO! he has to pull out and repark at least twice. He slows down while driving through green lighted intersections cuz! it could totally change any second now and ya gotta be ready for it!

My cousin once side-swiped a PARKED car on her right side. Her excuse was that she cant see the right side of her car and she cant be held responsible for whatever she hits on that side.

These are my genes people!

(and p.s. im driving the carpool this week *snicker* WATCH OUT BITCHES IM COMIN THROUGH!)

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Flashback...the good kind

Fun for Days! Click Me!

My god! This reminds me of that one summer. *happy sigh*


A-HA! and the drawlings! (my name is simon, and I like to do drawlings!)

I miss real MTV. and dont give me that poop about MTV2--it ain't the same I don't care what anybody says.

Adam Ant. heh. my brother, the one I referenced earlier, was Adam Ant for consecutive Halloween's and he ALWAYS won the costume contest. Always. It was always weird for me though to see him wearing make-up. My mom always did his make-up. (tee hee) and my dad would fidget nervously cuz OMG! his son was wearing make-up! The horror! What's next? Pink Polos and an earring?

oops yeah that did come very soon there after, heh. But in a manly way. No! Really! MANLY PINK! MANLY EARRING!

anyway. check out the videos, ill stop mumbling over here.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

the one where she says random shit

Is it weird that I'm walking around the house singing "freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee creditreportDOTcom" and its just me and the cats?

Im asking cuz they are looking at me strange.

What? It's a catchy tune.


Remember when I said I never go to bars anymore?


I went! and with people from work!


I had a freakin blast!

and! some dude walked up and started hitting on me by saying "so, you guys here together?" (all the girls were on the dance floor... ya know, like girls do) and i said "YAH! and our boyfriends are RIGHT OVER THERE! *points*"

he said "oh" nodded, and stepped backwards.

that uh, counts as being hit on, right?

and, btw?

wendys + 2 glasses of water + 2 advil + 1 Vitamin pack = no hangover!

sweet jesus, no hangover! *happy sigh*

Friday, June 16, 2006

Because making lists is fun!

Things I wanna do before I die (eww, morbid):

1. Sky Dive
2. LEAVE THE GODDAMN CONTINENTAL US ... like many times.
3. Walk into a room without thinking "god. please dont look at me, dont look at me"
4. Have a close knit group of very close friends that I have known for decades.
5. Get married (you knew that was coming, come on!)
6. Have kids (come on, seriously)
8. Hike the appalachian trail (and NO not the whole thing, sheesh dont be crazy...I live in reality)
9. Be comfortable in my skin and no longer worried about what others think about me.
10. First impression of me be "wow, she is cool" rather than "fucking snob! who the hell does she think she is!" -- yes, many have told me that later after we became friends. Apparently my shyness comes off as snobby bitchyness. awesome. :( oh wait..didnt I just say #9. oops.
11. stop being so contradictory within myself.
12. stop seeing all the flaws when I look in the mirror
13. stop being so goddamn emotional. my eyes well up with tears over commercials. COMMERCIALS. blah.
14. stop taking everything so personally. its not always about me (wtf? its not?!?!)
15. stop feeling like a poser and be a real person.
16. have more positive than negative things to say about myself
17. move back to texas *heart*
18. see the sistine chapel.
19. see the great wall of china
20. see where the berlin wall was
21. see mount rushmore
22. see the grand canyon
24. go to the gym on a regular basis. and like it.
25. be thin.
26. be more outdoorsy.
27. run a marathon
28. learn to ride a bike (I really dont know if I mean this one really, cuz uhh what 28 year old rides around with training wheels? :D)
29. enjoy turning 30 rather than flipping the hell out.
30. be far less lazy.
31. do volunteer work. (although heh! my mom and I used to volunteer at a homeless shelter for thanksgiving and dish out food -- ok only 2 years but c'mon that counts!)
32. have some kind of positive affect on the world.
33. live each day like its my last
34. learn to roller skate (ha, yeah right! IMA FALL! NOOOO!)
35. not freak out when i see ice on the ground
36. erase the introvert.
37. think of the beach and go "ahhhh" instead of "ewww bathing suit!"
38. take an art class cuz i wanna and love it instead of worrying about how I am not good enough
39. get my masters degree (ha *gulp*)
40. win an award for something (or hell, MANY things!) I designed.
41. enter a design contest. cuz really #40 wont happen unless i do, no?
42. follow a skin-care regimen for longer than a week.
44. take better care of myself.
45. go to france (oui!)
46. stop blaming others when its really my own damn fault.
47. Ride a motorcycle (even riding on the back of one scares the crap out of me)
48. stop being so goddamn scared of everything.
49. go whale watching. sea world really didnt cut it for me. OR the voyage of the mimi (ha! remember that?)
50. wear a bikini and know I look good.
51. walk around in heels and not be all "OMG am I walking funny? am I?"
52. Go to Germany during Oktoberfest. YAY BEER!
53. Go home for Fiesta week. YAY BEER!
54. See Ireland. YAY BEER!
55. Drink less beer. :P
56. save money.
57. stop buying shit that will fit "soon". weirdo.

umm wow, i better get crackin!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

100 things about me. . .

While trolling (who, me?!?!) I've noticed that many a-blogger have done this 100 things about me...uh thing so I thought I'd give it a go.

1. My mom calls me "trishy"
2. My brothers call me "lil' bit"
3. I like nicknames, makes me feel cool
4. Most days, I feel so not cool.
5. I have small feet.
6. I was once asked in high school how I stay standing upright with the small feet.
7. I hated high school.
8. I can't quit smoking. No really I've tried.
9. Like 039203982039428 million times.
10. Im sure I will keep trying, cuz, I mean what else is there to do.
11. All my life, I have always wanted a kitten. (to hug and squeeze and love and name him george!)
12. I have a kitten, her name is maddy. oh and another kitty, named Blackberry.
13. close!
14. I love music.
15. I have an obscene number of cd's
16. I buy cd's whenever I get the chance.
17. must.get.more. *twitch*
18. hey so I do have a hobby, how bout that.
19. I've worked at the same place since I was 19.
20. I've lived here in virginia since i was 19.
21. I grew up in Texas.
22. I heart Texas.
23. I hate snow.
24. I a lot.
25. I have a fear of falling down stairs ever since I was carrying laundry down and fell and sprained my ankle.
26. I also sprained my ankle while walking to the ATM outside my office building.
27. Graceful, I am not.
28. Nor coordinated, apparently.
29. I went to Four colleges and had FOUR majors
30. I suck at making good decisions.
31. It took me EIGHT years to finish my bachelors degree.
32. hang on, im still digesting #31 -- jesus effing christ!
33. Way way WAY deep down, I think I am pretty.
34. When I walk by a reflective surface, I look fast so people dont think I am vain.
35. I cant be vain though, seriously.
36. I break the rules at work most days (hey, isnt it work time now?), and do not wear pantyhose. I know, rebel!
37. I have a very bad temper. very.
38. I am mean and evil in an argument. you WILL get your feelings hurt.
39. I am satan's spawn when angry.
40. I hate that about myself.
41. I see myself in my mother almost every time I see her. and that scares me to death.
42. I also see myself in my father too. gah!
43. I wish I took more pictures of me and my friends.
44. I have 5 pictures of the bf and I --- over the course of 10 years.
45. yes. i do own a camera.
46. and no, obviously I dont use it.
47. hah im cheating arent i
48. im part spanish and part german with some irish thrown in there for fun.
49. depending on what i am doing and who i am around determines which part of me i flaunt.
53. heh.
54. I see my nephew very rarely. and he lives 5 minutes from my office.
55. Im an awful aunt.
56. his mother sucks though. big time.
57. im now looking around for things.
58. i have my very own REAL coach purse. that i bought off e-bay.
59. wheeee im cool now.
60. im in MAD debt. (see #29)
61. I drive a saturn
63. I hate doing the dishes and cleaning bathrooms.
64. I hate how there is never enough time in the day for it all.
65. I drive with my music loud and act all badass.
66. Im totally badass.
67. Yes, I do do (heh doodoo) the thing where I put my windows up if I roll up next to someone cooler. cuz gah. im not badass at all.
68. I wanna be badass.
69. I continuously say "god, I've GOT to clean this purse out!"
70. I clean my purse out maybe once a month and repeat #69 the next day.
71. I have no kids, I am not married. I so want all that.
72. Deep down, I think I am too selfish to have kids.
73. When someone hands me a baby, I freeze up.
74. I think im awfully funny.
75. I love people that make me laugh.
76. I drink very rarely (now).
77. I miss going to bars.
78. Im too old for bars.
79. Im not good enough
80. Im not pretty enough
81. Im not hot enough (or ya know, at all.)
82. I feel inadequate all the time.
83. yet. i rock so hard. hows that work?
84. I live with the guy that I will always love with my entire heart. always.
85. he drives me effing batty! ;)
86. my mom used to sing songs to me and play with my hair.
87. I have never jumped out of a plane, but god I want to one day.
88. I have never left the continental united states.
89. I love the beach, hate bathing suits.
90. The first time I went to the beach, I was 14 (I think). It was corpus christi, riiiiiiight after the oil spill. very nice.
91. baby oil removes tar.
92. I love rollercoasters.
93. I have gone on so many rollercoasters in one day, that in bed that night, I still felt as though I was on one.
94. was also nauseous all night.
95. I like that I am short and fairly teeny, it makes me feel girly. small hands. small feet.
96. ugh small boobs. bleh.
97. I read, but not enough.
98. I love my friends to pieces.
99. I am bad at keeping in touch.
100. my first concert was paula abdul. at sea world. aww yeah. COLD HEARTED SNAKE!


Monday, June 12, 2006

Dear man stepping on my head. . .

First of all,

WTF did I do to you?!?! I don't deserve this! I am a nice girl. I follow the rules. I stop when the light turns yellow, NO REALLY I DO (alright I lie, sometimes I do).

Why did you come around? I don't believe I sent out a formal invitation. I don't believe that I requested to be out of work for FOUR GODDAMN DAYS (though, to be technical, the first was a prescheduled vacation day--that I spent in bed. poo.) to sleep all the living day and be all congesty and coughing and EWW coughing up stuff! Which, btw, very sexy. thanks for that.

The dizziness, the no appetite (though, I will admit this was a bonus, I do feel lighter on my feet today!), the HEAD SO HEAVY that I feel like a newborn and can't keep it up. The constant cough drops, the constant water, gatorade, chicken soup. You have ruined my taste buds! Nothing tastes good! Nothing! The incessant low-grade fever. The friggin GUILT for calling in SICK three days in a row! The horrible feeling the entire time I was in the doctors office cuz gah! I wanna be back in bed now now now. The having the voice of a man (yeah baby!) for 5 days. you are all about the sexy, huh. The going through all the tissue boxes in the house! how the hell? The daytime LORD the daytime TV. Im glad I work days cuz...gah! and the cough. really? why was that necessary? as if the congestion and pressure, etc. werent enough.

Thankfully, you are finally leaving, albeit slowly, but I do feel the pressure subsiding. For which, I am forever grateful.

In the future please know, you aren't welcome here.

and also?

can you speed the leaving up already?


90% healed girl

oh, P.S. I HATE YOU.

Friday, June 02, 2006

yeah, right...oh, I mean...thanks?

So lately theres been an issue that keeps popping up with me that I guess I am just now realizing...I cannot take a compliment to save my life!

It's all related to my self-image (or lack thereof) which affects both personal and professional aspects of my life.

Take, for example, the time I took a co-worker to lunch who was getting ready to leave the company. We're merrily eating our salad and bread, discussing her recent engagement (*sigh* and *doublesigh* oh also, yayyyyyyy congrats!) when she stops and looks at me and goes "ok are you ready for my speech?" I look around me sorta confused cuz the only one here? I figured it was some kind of goodbye speech about how she enjoyed working at the company and blah blah (ya know, the usual BS). Instead she starts off with "I think you are an amazing designer."

me: uh...*blink*

She continues talking about how great my work is and how much my work has improved since she has been with the company and how creative I am and how resourceful! and how, if I dont know the answer or how to do something, I figure it out and dont just give up and...

me: thinking "wow, whats with the bullshit?"

and she continues on about how much I rule and how if I ever wanted to leave the company to please contact her cuz she would hire me in a second and blah blah blah..

me: thinking "oh, she's serious?!?!"

and, oh yes, she continues on and on ...

me: thinking "seriously, why does she feel the need to blow smoke up my ass?"

and then she said something that sorta stopped me. she said "Name, Name, and Name also think so, we discuss it often. They sing your praises when people go to our website and comment on the design...and blah blah blah..."

she continues talking, but I sorta start...tearing up (wtf)? and thinking "others think this too? no shit?"

Personally, I think I am a mediocre designer who has mild strokes of creativeness once in a blue moon. Most days, my stuff aint all that great. There are days where I am supremely proud of myself and "hey, I came up with that noise, yes, ME"--of course 2-3 days (hours) later I am already hating on it. There isnt much that I have designed that I still actually like.

The day this girl left the company she gave me an envelope. Walking back to my desk, I opened it. It was the same speech but on paper, the first line says "Im writing this down so that you will remember it and one day believe it."


So second example:

I get a voicemail on my work phone from some chick, she says she "would really love to talk with me" and that she "has heard awesome things about my work."

me: uhh..."receptionist must've directed call wrong"--nevermind that she said my name in the message.

So I don't call back. Later that same day, she calls again. She is a headhunter and was given my name by someone in Blacksburg who "just raves about how great a designer you are"

me: thinking "ok, this is a joke. ha. very funny."

she then says "so i have this creative director position that I am looking to fill, from what I hear, you are the perfect candidate...blah blah blah...would love to see your portfolio...blah blah blah...would you be interested"

me: "uhh, well Im not sure I have the experience for such a high-level position. I really am good where I am right now, but thank you."

Tricia you are an idiot, wtf?! and p.s. tricia, its time to update your portfolio.

3rd example:

I am talking to my friend after a staff meeting at work. Im half confident that day cuz I look pretty darn cute, and the other half is all consumed with the feeling of slobbiness cuz GAH! frickin linen skirts wrinkle so fast, it drives me crazy!

So a co-worker kinda walks over and says "ohhh, you look very nice today! I love that skirt"

to which I respond with "ugh. i swear i ironed it!"

again, wtf?

all this is starting to make me wonder like, how in the world did I get this way, is there any way out of it. And, am I still at the same company for going on 10 years cuz I dont think I can do any better? (and why do I suddenly feel like Carrie Bradshaw with the way im talking?)

I need confidence in myself and my abilities (and screw the skirt, im still cute!). I need to mend my self-image with a quickness or I will not ever be successful in life, in work, in love.

I wonder if they sell confidence on e-bay?

Ha! they do indeed!