Friday, June 02, 2006

yeah, right...oh, I mean...thanks?

So lately theres been an issue that keeps popping up with me that I guess I am just now realizing...I cannot take a compliment to save my life!

It's all related to my self-image (or lack thereof) which affects both personal and professional aspects of my life.

Take, for example, the time I took a co-worker to lunch who was getting ready to leave the company. We're merrily eating our salad and bread, discussing her recent engagement (*sigh* and *doublesigh* oh also, yayyyyyyy congrats!) when she stops and looks at me and goes "ok are you ready for my speech?" I look around me sorta confused cuz the only one here? I figured it was some kind of goodbye speech about how she enjoyed working at the company and blah blah (ya know, the usual BS). Instead she starts off with "I think you are an amazing designer."

me: uh...*blink*

She continues talking about how great my work is and how much my work has improved since she has been with the company and how creative I am and how resourceful! and how, if I dont know the answer or how to do something, I figure it out and dont just give up and...

me: thinking "wow, whats with the bullshit?"

and she continues on about how much I rule and how if I ever wanted to leave the company to please contact her cuz she would hire me in a second and blah blah blah..

me: thinking "oh, she's serious?!?!"

and, oh yes, she continues on and on ...

me: thinking "seriously, why does she feel the need to blow smoke up my ass?"

and then she said something that sorta stopped me. she said "Name, Name, and Name also think so, we discuss it often. They sing your praises when people go to our website and comment on the design...and blah blah blah..."

she continues talking, but I sorta start...tearing up (wtf)? and thinking "others think this too? no shit?"

Personally, I think I am a mediocre designer who has mild strokes of creativeness once in a blue moon. Most days, my stuff aint all that great. There are days where I am supremely proud of myself and "hey, I came up with that noise, yes, ME"--of course 2-3 days (hours) later I am already hating on it. There isnt much that I have designed that I still actually like.

The day this girl left the company she gave me an envelope. Walking back to my desk, I opened it. It was the same speech but on paper, the first line says "Im writing this down so that you will remember it and one day believe it."


So second example:

I get a voicemail on my work phone from some chick, she says she "would really love to talk with me" and that she "has heard awesome things about my work."

me: uhh..."receptionist must've directed call wrong"--nevermind that she said my name in the message.

So I don't call back. Later that same day, she calls again. She is a headhunter and was given my name by someone in Blacksburg who "just raves about how great a designer you are"

me: thinking "ok, this is a joke. ha. very funny."

she then says "so i have this creative director position that I am looking to fill, from what I hear, you are the perfect candidate...blah blah blah...would love to see your portfolio...blah blah blah...would you be interested"

me: "uhh, well Im not sure I have the experience for such a high-level position. I really am good where I am right now, but thank you."

Tricia you are an idiot, wtf?! and p.s. tricia, its time to update your portfolio.

3rd example:

I am talking to my friend after a staff meeting at work. Im half confident that day cuz I look pretty darn cute, and the other half is all consumed with the feeling of slobbiness cuz GAH! frickin linen skirts wrinkle so fast, it drives me crazy!

So a co-worker kinda walks over and says "ohhh, you look very nice today! I love that skirt"

to which I respond with "ugh. i swear i ironed it!"

again, wtf?

all this is starting to make me wonder like, how in the world did I get this way, is there any way out of it. And, am I still at the same company for going on 10 years cuz I dont think I can do any better? (and why do I suddenly feel like Carrie Bradshaw with the way im talking?)

I need confidence in myself and my abilities (and screw the skirt, im still cute!). I need to mend my self-image with a quickness or I will not ever be successful in life, in work, in love.

I wonder if they sell confidence on e-bay?

Ha! they do indeed!

1 comment:

  1. Funny, cause I know some of these moments and one I rememeber you saying it, the other you shared with me, but what's funny to me is.... I always feel like you accept my compliments nicely. Do you think it depends on who says it to you more then what is being said? I will now have to pay more attention to this. Also you must feel some sense of pride with the things you do since you share them with me, right, if you didn't you wouldn't share, just my 2 cents. LOVE U!!!