Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A Day in the Life of the Blank Mind

0730: Alarm Goes off, hit snooze

0740-0820: Continue to swat at alarm clock. Honestly, I don't know why I bother setting it.

0845: Peep clock with one eyeball, fly out of bed and start shower, brush teefs. Admire the bed head. I remind myself a lot of Axl Rose circa Welcome to the Jungle--34 seconds in.

0855: Out of shower, q-tip the ears. Cannot skip this step. Q-tipping = bliss. I am addicted.

0857: (Yes, Two whole minutes to Q-Tip. I'm telling you, its an important step dude)
Grab whatever t-shirt and trackpants/warm-up pants/workout shorts/jeans/whatever i cant wear in the office nanny nanny boo boo and throw it on

0859: Grab phone and water bottle from night stand

0900: Say bye to all the felines as if I am leaving the house. I dont know, so don't ask.

0901: Log in to work. Read email, etc. *yawn* Think to myself "so when's vacation again?"

0915: Notice that I am freezing, then realize OH YEAH MY HAIR IS STILL WET.

0916: Blow-dry hair at my desk, keeping eye on screen should anyone msg me. What happens if Im not there! They'll think im slacking!

0920: Go to kitchen and acquire some form of breakfast food. OR NOT. depending on how busy I am

1130/Noonish (depending on how hungry I am): Contemplate lunch. This can go one of two ways: 1. I grab some crap from the kitchen and go back to desk or 2. Decide going out for something is good choice. Figure out what the closest places are, do the math on how fast i can get there in back (usually nothing faster than half an hour, suck.)

1230: Eat at desk, continue to work

1245 (oh lets be honest, throughout the day): Peer over at personal computer for email, tweets, etc.

1700: Oh, would ya look at that! its 5! I should log off.

1705: Hang on, lemme just do this real quick.

1745: Real quick my ass

1800: Wander out of office and proceed directly to couch to cuddle up with blanket. BF says the office is the hottest room in the house. Whatevs, I disagree. brrr.

1830: Watch Everybody Loves Raymond Reruns. Cannot get enough of this show. Raymond is an exact duplicate of my middle brother. EXACT. It's creepy a little.

1915: Peel myself off couch and do some chores (maybe), kick some imaginary ass, taebo-style. Perhaps prepare dinner, or we go out.

2030: Screw around on computer while watching TV

2100: Ditto

2200: Ditto

2230: Go "SHIT! It's 1030 already!"

2300: "SHIT! It's 11 already!?!"

2400: Terrorize Blackberry with anxiety pill we have to shoot down her throat. Remove whole cat that is now left on my tshirt. She molts when freaked out. Watch Late show.

2430: Put earplugs in ears and sigh loudly while tossing and turning which is code for "TURN THE TV OFF ALREADY" HI. I R BITCH.

0100: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

No wonder I'm so tired all the time. YOU TRY KEEPING THAT SCHEDULE.

[Edited to Add]: Fixed times, i fail at military time. Theres no friggin 2430 ya moron.

[Edited to remove my previous edit]: HAHA YES THERE IS. JESUS.

Monday, March 24, 2008


Speaking of being pregnant, which is to say that I'm not! so proceed with the breathing (don't be freaking crazy people! jesus! you scared me too!), but a couple of weeks ago I encountered a much treasured side-effect of pregnancy--cankles.

affect? effect?

So at my last oil change appointment (as BF affectionately calls it), my doctor decided to change my birth control pills for seemingly no reason, other than he had samples of it versus what I was currently on at the time. Makes PERFECT sense.

Fucking hell man, I shoulda resisted. Ever since the change from Yasmine to Yaz, I've been what one would describe, how did they put it... oh right, BITCH ON WHEELS!


I have actually stepped outside myself while yelling at BF for ... I dunno.. BREATHING probably. Looked myself up and down, looked at him, pointed at her (er... me?) and said "She's serious, isn't she?!"

Mother of all moodswings, dude, I was seriously out of control.

One minute, I am sulky and depressed, complaining about how fat I am. Woe *sniff*
Him: "aww sweetheart you arent fat!"
Him (wide-eyed, with the "ok, what just happened" look): "uhhm, I wasn't"
[spit flying from my foamy mouth]
Him: " "
Me: "WHAT! Tell me what you are thinking right now rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
Him: "... --- ... / ... --- ... / ... --- ..."

I should buy him some flowers or something.

Added to that--yes! there's more!--I had a rather large water retention issue. In that all water consumed, went in, but I had zero water going out.

Do me a favor. Close your mouth and press your lips together. Now fill your mouth with air so that your cheeks are taut--this is vaguely close to how i felt. Comfy, no?

This little morsel of joy showed up Saturday the day before we traveled to NOVA. And let me just tell you, 6 hours in the car doesn't help water retention issues at all.

Every day it seemed to get worse, Tuesday I was miserable and spent the morning researching natural diuretics because OMG IM HAVING TO SQUEEZE MY FEET INTO MY SHOES!

Upon completing research, I marchedwaddled over to the kitchen and grabbed every kind of tea bag that contained anything remotely sounding like the herbs I found on the internet.

Herbs found on internet:
Dandelion Root
Green Tea

Herbs found in kitchen:
Green Tea
Black Tea
Earl Grey
Raspberry tea
Love Lemon

and added a tea bag of KegOfSunshine's "skinny tea"

added all 6 teabags (yes) to the one styrofoam cup of steamy water and steeped for like 20 minutes. The more steeped the stronger, no?

Let me just tell you how good that shit was.


I took a dose midol complete because on the bottle, it said it helped with bloating.

I worked out every evening.

I went to the vitamin shoppe and bought a dandelion root pill FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.

and nothing! No Improvement! Every day i walked from the office to the hotel room (which is like, I dunno 150 feet plus one flight of stairs) and I was FRIGGIN WINDED by the time I got to the hotel door. Which Hi! I know I'm out of shape, but give me a break, Im not THAT out of shape!

I went to lunch with my team to a joint across the street from our office. I walked there and back with my team, my feet squeezed into my ballet shoes (WHICH STILL DIDNT SEEM TO STAY ON MY HEELS ANYWAY GODDAMN HORRIBLE SHOES), my body squeezed into my ill-fitting clothes, the skin on my fingers so tight that I could hardly make a fist. I was literally straining the seams of my own body. I tried hard to keep up without actually looking like I was about to die.

Friday, it was finally time to go home, wherein I cried THREE TIMES on the drive back.

And then ye gods decided to put me out of my girl misery and girl week commenced upon my return home (3 days late, I might add) and all fluids exited my body, the bones returned to my feet, my hands once again forming a fist comfortably and clothes fitting more comfortably! Shoes able to be worn with socks! PRAISE JEBUS!

I switched back to Yasmine that weekend.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself "But Tricia! Those girls on the commercial! At the bar! Talking about birth control and one happens to be a OB/GYN (whats up with that, I mean come fucking on), says that Yaz is less hormones and will alleviate PMS and Bloating, etc."

To which I will nod, close my eyes, take a deep breath and wimper. Because, I DONT GET IT EITHER.

Moral of the Story: Don't switch Birth Control without sufficient justification.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

on Children

Say, have I mentioned that EVERYONE around me is pregnant? Seriously! K&J, our dear friends that got married late last year are pregnant (yay you guys! Congrats!) and my friend J is pregnant too and...

OK WHATEVER ONLY TWO. Seems like a lot, OK?


Anyway, it's got me thinkin' about uhm... kids. More specifically, me HAVING said kids. Because, obviously, the time has come for such things! And, to be quite honest, the mere thought of that really just makes me want to run in the opposite direction screaming.

I'm not even kidding.

Dude, I like freeze up when a kid gets near me. I have no idea what to say or do around them. I know NOTHING about taking care of kids. The fact that a 7-year-old kid can irritate the ever-loving shit out of me (because HI! YES I SEE YOU! I SEE YOU! SHUTUP ALREADY!), can't be a good sign I'm thinking.

And I don't really get that because when I was a teenager I babysat a fair amount. Not that babysitting indicates future Mother of the Year awards but, I remember being vaguely good at it. Able to make kids smile and giggle. I was a friggin baby whisperer compared to what I am now man.

Exhibit A: Out with Tree for our Valentine's Day date with her adorable little man. They had run off to the bathroom, again, all in the name of keeping the little man entertained because a 30 minute wait? At a mexican restaurant? WHAT? I was starting to get twitchy myself, so I understand how he must've been feeling.

ANYWAY so they are off killing time checking out the wonders of the public restroom and the hostess let's me know that we are finally up for a table! Whee! So I sit down, and ask her before she runs off for a high chair.


Tree finally arrives at the table and I say proudly "I got a high chair!" She looked at the chair and then at me, perplexed, and said "oh uhh... we dont need a um.. a high chair?"

Her voice raised an octive as you do when you ask a question, because in her head she was probably thinking "Are you serious?" Followed promptly by, " You're an idiot."

Because hi! baby = high chair. What do you want from me ;)

Exhibit B: My Nephew, we'll just call him Holy Terror In Sneakers because HOLY MOTHER OF SUGAR HIGHS THAT BOY... he... he's like. WOW. just... wow. Anyway, when he gets in one of his moods where he runs around in circles and screams. I sorta just...

Well I basically find myself wide-eyed with my hands up surrender-style, standing absolutely still, taking short shallow breaths. Because if I move! The velociraptor will see me! and attack me! eeeeeeeee!

See what I mean?

I've always thought that I wanted kids, but now I am not so sure. In addition to the freezing... dude, just the idea of physically having the thing? Makes me cross my legs and wince. Seriously.

This feeling is replaced with "awwwwww baby! I want I want!" right? Eventually?

Please say yes.

Monday, March 03, 2008

At the car wash

BF and I deemed today "National Take the Day off Work Day." Waking up on a workday without the alarm? Pure Bliss, and you should try it. Immediately.

We were on our way to lunch for Soup! Salad! and Breadsticks! The genius lunch that is just so friggin goooooooooooood. And we stopped at a car wash to "check it out." BF, like most men, is particular about his car--and the washing of said car is no exception. There are many points to an "awesome" drive-thru car wash. Don't even try to understand it, but among the many requirements, there was one that had yet been met since we moved down here. We were in search of a dryer at the end of the car wash. Because air drying is unacceptable! Water Spots! OMG THE WATER SPOTS!!!

and lo! This one had one!

Upon realizing, this particular car wash had one, he said AND I QUOTE: "Yeah, thas what daddy like"

Then he read the car wash menu and fixed his eyes upon the words "TRIPLE FOAM" and well, I've never seen him reach for his wallet with such speed and determination.

He makes his purchase, drool already collecting in the corners of his mouth, and we roll into the bay and stop when the light tells us. BF puts the car in park and checks the windows AGAIN for the THIRD time. Content that the windows are seriously closed, he then focuses on the arms that are now moving swiftly around the car. He switches his attention to the sign that tells us what phase we are in, and I swear to you, I havent seen that kind of focus and eagerness in his eyes in quite some time. He reminded me of the kid he once was (or is...I mean HI!), it was completely adorable. All wide-eyed, watching the arms move around the car. Watching out the front window, then the side, then looking in the rear-view lest he miss the party going on in the back.

And then the TRIPLE FOAM phase came.

He said "doesnt that just look so cool!?!"

I looked at the window, as the pink, green, and yellow slowly ooozed down the window--far less impressed--and noddded, "mmhmm"

Then it was over and it was time to dry. There was a sign directing us to where the dryer timer was, and as we inched forward, he inched his head forward and squinted.

"I can't see it!"

So, I read the red numbers as they ticked by, while he inched the car forward ever so slowly--because, god forbid we miss a single second of dryness that is rightly ours afterall!


when we got to 4, we rolled back a little to catch those last seconds.

Guys are so hilarious sometimes.