So at my last oil change appointment (as BF affectionately calls it), my doctor decided to change my birth control pills for seemingly no reason, other than he had samples of it versus what I was currently on at the time. Makes PERFECT sense.
Fucking hell man, I shoulda resisted. Ever since the change from Yasmine to Yaz, I've been what one would describe as...now, how did they put it... oh right, BITCH ON WHEELS!
LET ME JUST TELL YOU HOW FUN THAT IS:
I have actually stepped outside myself while yelling at BF for ... I dunno.. BREATHING probably. Looked myself up and down, looked at him, pointed at her (er... me?) and said "She's serious, isn't she?!"
Mother of all moodswings, dude, I was seriously out of control.
One minute, I am sulky and depressed, complaining about how fat I am. Woe *sniff*
Him: "aww sweetheart you arent fat!"
Me: "DONT PATRONIZE ME! I KNOW IM FAT"
Him (wide-eyed, with the "ok, what just happened" look): "uhhm, I wasn't"
Me: "DONT SAY YOU WERENT CUZ I KNOW YOU WERE! I DONT NEED YOU PATRONIZING ME!"
[spit flying from my foamy mouth]
Him: " "
Me: "WHAT! Tell me what you are thinking right now rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
Him: "... --- ... / ... --- ... / ... --- ..."
Me: "WOULD YOU STOP THAT TAPPING! GOD!"
I should buy him some flowers or something.
Added to that--yes! there's more!--I had a rather large water retention issue. In that all water consumed, went in, but I had zero water going out.
Do me a favor. Close your mouth and press your lips together. Now fill your mouth with air so that your cheeks are taut--this is vaguely close to how i felt. Comfy, no?
This little morsel of joy showed up Saturday the day before we traveled to NOVA. And let me just tell you, 6 hours in the car doesn't help water retention issues at all.
Every day it seemed to get worse, Tuesday I was miserable and spent the morning researching natural diuretics because OMG IM HAVING TO SQUEEZE MY FEET INTO MY SHOES!
Upon completing research, I
Herbs found on internet:
Herbs found in kitchen:
and added a tea bag of KegOfSunshine's "skinny tea"
added all 6 teabags (yes) to the one styrofoam cup of steamy water and steeped for like 20 minutes. The more steeped the stronger, no?
Let me just tell you how good that shit was.
I took a dose midol complete because on the bottle, it said it helped with bloating.
I worked out every evening.
I went to the vitamin shoppe and bought a dandelion root pill FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.
and nothing! No Improvement! Every day i walked from the office to the hotel room (which is like, I dunno 150 feet plus one flight of stairs) and I was FRIGGIN WINDED by the time I got to the hotel door. Which Hi! I know I'm out of shape, but give me a break, Im not THAT out of shape!
I went to lunch with my team to a joint across the street from our office. I walked there and back with my team, my feet squeezed into my ballet shoes (WHICH STILL DIDNT SEEM TO STAY ON MY HEELS ANYWAY GODDAMN HORRIBLE SHOES), my body squeezed into my ill-fitting clothes, the skin on my fingers so tight that I could hardly make a fist. I was literally straining the seams of my own body. I tried hard to keep up without actually looking like I was about to die.
Friday, it was finally time to go home, wherein I cried THREE TIMES on the drive back.
And then ye gods decided to put me out of my girl misery and girl week commenced upon my return home (3 days late, I might add) and all fluids exited my body, the bones returned to my feet, my hands once again forming a fist comfortably and clothes fitting more comfortably! Shoes able to be worn with socks! PRAISE JEBUS!
I switched back to Yasmine that weekend.
Now, you may be thinking to yourself "But Tricia! Those girls on the commercial! At the bar! Talking about birth control and one happens to be a OB/GYN (whats up with that, I mean come fucking on), says that Yaz is less hormones and will alleviate PMS and Bloating, etc."
To which I will nod, close my eyes, take a deep breath and wimper. Because, I DONT GET IT EITHER.
Moral of the Story: Don't switch Birth Control without sufficient justification.
Note: FREE SAMPLES IS NOT SUFFICIENT JUSTIFICATION, CHEAPASS.