So I stroll on into work about 6:14 which TOTALLY counts as 6:00 (shut-up, YES IT DOES). All in a happy-ish mood (I mean really, how happy can you be at this hour), log on to my computer and the glorious little envelope pops up. Yay! Email! I go check email. An Email from a friend! weee! My eyes travel over to the subject line and my heart sinks a little as I read "She said Yes." So I open the email hoping its a joke of some kind cuz thats what I usually get from him.
He proposed to his girlfriend and She said YES! Yay!
Now, dont get me wrong I am COMPLETELY happy for him. Seriously, love and happiness and all that.
but sonofalsdkfjoewifhoweihoweijhglejkfs WHATS WRONG WITH ME???
Im not gonna bore you with my relationship woes (much) cuz really, if you know me it would only be repetitive. The boyfriend and I have discussed this (ad nauseum if you ask him). So I know what the issues are. So I should be fine. And I am for the most part (I SAID FOR THE MOST PART). Its just when shit pops up like this im like "ugh, there HAS to be something wrong with me"
I immediately blame myself. Why? I dunno, cuz really? I am the most awesomest girl out there (fo sho)!
so I will continue to sit and wait for that day. I honestly am not sure how much longer I can do this though. Im finding myself lately shutting down, shutting out, building walls. Which, yeah no shit, is no good. Maybe I am in denial and already know sub-consciously what the outcome will be and am just protecting myself from all the hurt that is coming? OR maybe im sabotaging the relationship with the one person I am most comfortable with, the one guy who I can totally see growing old with, the one guy who knows all my buttons to push and does--yet even when I am most angry I still love him so much and the one guy who loves me for me (even though I am a raging bitch). no questions asked. and I am ruining it cuz im friggin selfish and trying to comply with this time in my head that I should be married by (yes, 30), or that ya know after 10 years, its time to take that next step already (really, says who? ME DAMNIT ME!). Things can never be perfect and there are never any guarantees, I tell him and WOW maybe I should listen to my own advice. WHO CARES IF IM THE LAST ONE TO GET MARRIED ON THE FRIGGIN PLANET.
oh and P.S. yes this is a whiney blog because HELLO im a girl! This is what I do best! so stuffit!