Wednesday, August 16, 2006

House of Wax

Before I dive in, I should warn those of the male gender to just skip this post.

Really, its not interesting. It's all pink and fluffy and girly. With Fairies and Unicorns and Rainbow Brites.

No seriously, scoot the hell on.

I mean it!

Alright fine. Read if you must. But don't say I didn't warn ya...

So today after work, I received my first waxing....uhhh... downstairs.

*gasp* I know! Let me tell you, I have been freaked out all day about it.

Now usually, I take care of business on my own, but my friend had just done it and said it wasnt all that bad (E YOU LIE LIKE A DOG. Bitch. :P) and I am going to the beach for a week the week after labor day and well you know...one less thing to stress about. I have been getting my eyebrows and manlip waxed since...I dunno...high school, when I decided the brooke shields unibrow was so over. So I had an idea what I was in for (OR ya know, so I thought).

also? the manlip? God definitely has a sense of humor.

Yeah. HA HA. *growl*

I defy you to be half spanish and half german and NOT grow some hair.

ANYWAY.

Im driving along and about halfway there I guess it started to sink in--more--where I was traveling to and what my purpose was. Suddenly I got OB/GYN Waiting Room Bladder. You know the one. While you are sitting there waiting nervously, suddenly you go "Oh crap I have to pee! I should pee! Maybe I should wait til they call my name and then I will pee. Wait! I dont have to pee! OK OK OK I'm not gonna pee! Cuz! I totally don't have to!" and then you get undressed and on the table and you are all "FUCK. I SHOULD HAVE GODDAMN PEED!" Yeah, you know the one.

I told you fools to skip this one. Believe me now?

So I get to my appointment early. Accidently on purpose, hoping to get this over and done with quicker than planned. I got lucky and she was waiting for me. With her dark eyes and crooked evil grin. She knows she is evil.

So we walk to the back room and she asks me how I am doing. I say "Oh, I'm fine. This is my first time doing this so I am a bit nervous."

"bit"--understatement of the century.

She chuckles a little and says "ohhhhhhhh you'll be fine" Then I swear I heard an evil cackle. I tilt my head and look at her like "was that you?" She of course has no idea why the hell I am looking at her that way cuz I am obviously exaggerating for entertainment purposes. The following, I am afraid, is no exaggeration...

So we get in the room and she goes "so do you want to wear your own panties or do you want to wear these paper ones?" and she dangles this piece of string with a cocktail napkin glued to it.

Hi. I just said I have never done this before. HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW.

So I say "uhh...wow those are gonna be attractive (nervous laugh)...uhh I dunno...what is better?"

She shrugs and goes "Try these this time and see if you like them." And she leaves to give me some privacy. Which, I appreciated but learned later there was really no point to the privacy. I guess it's the thought of decorum that makes people feel more at ease.

Anyway so I put on the cocktail napkin on a string and climb onto the table and then I go "damnit. I should have peed!"

She knocks on the door and comes back in. She messes around at the counter behind me. Puts a towel on my lap and says "its not warm enough yet. I will be back."

WTF? Don't you do this all damn day. HOW could it not be warm enough?

Ugh so I sit and wait and look around at the walls. I looked up at the ceiling to see if there was a "hang in there baby poster" like my OB/GYN has on her ceiling (which ha ha awww so cute. wtf?) and was relieved to not find one.

She comes back in and messes around at the counter behind me and comes over in front of me with this glob of goo in her hand. --For those that know what I am talking about, I was being "sugared", not waxed. It's apparently better and "hurts less." sha. right.--She says "see this is the sugar, It is real sugar, you can even eat it."

Oddly enough, I am not hungry right now. But thanks! Good to know!

So she begins.

Then comes the searing pain. "HOLY SHIT! DID SHE JUST TAKE OFF MY SKIN!?!?!"

She blows on it. (WTF?) and goes "you good?"

Yeah. Im fantastic. May I have another?

The pain and the "OMG I WILL PAY YOU A MILLION DOLLARS TO STOP" and the blowing (seriously, wtf?) and the "you good?!!?!" at every single rip continues. Then she goes "OK! Almost done! Time to turn on your side."

um.

say what?

Well I wont go into detail but you get the idea.

Man, the things we girls do. sheesh.

9 comments:

  1. you are braver than i

    comment posted :-)

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  2. Dude, I never told you it didn't hurt. Don't you remember my story!

    But I promise it doesn't hurt as bad the second time . . . you just want to whimper not scream :)

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  3. no i said you said that (wait..what?) "it doesn't hurt that bad"

    hush up I was drinking when you were telling me. :P

    I love that you both posted a comment. Thank you for giving in to my nerdiness ;)

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  4. Giving into your nerdiness?!! I accepted that when we became frinds :)

    BTW - Did you go ahead and make your next appointment :)

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  5. oh she's funny isn't she.

    ha.ha.ha.

    (bitch.)

    :P

    yah. i made my next appt... 6 Sept. 3 days before vacation...it is late too. like 745.

    Dinner before girls?

    oh PS. Erin, whatcha doin about OBX?

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  6. Wow, congrats! The first time (at most thing?) will always hurt and startle you, but afterwards, you start taunting them back going "is that all you got? Make that shit hotter? Uh huh, yeah, like that... Can I see you again in 4 to 6 weeks?". I've said that in a few avenues of my life actually... hmm...

    You're going to love how cleaned up you kinda default to being after a few times. I'm addicted. I've resigned to the fact that I'll have to switch to box dyes and maybe even hair cuttery to cut back on my expense but don't take away my 'Suzy waxings' because it just... Pretty...

    /ramble off

    Can I say (next time I see you), "So, Tricia, something looks different about you, I can't put my finger on it, but yeah, definitely! What's your secret?" (think, Viagra commercials where man's all confident w/his "yeah, I'm totally hitting it like 8 times a week now for hours on end" and people are in awe of his confident (and erect) glow.

    I'm going to stop drinking coffee today... now.

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  7. Oh, and I had my yearly "Woman's Wellness Exam" today so don't talk to me about violation.

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  8. I can do dinner that night, but it will have to be after 6 . . . I have Elena's 5:30 appointment, so I'll be limping home myself that night.

    OBX issue - it was never an issue it was going to be the weekend before that I was going up (I'm not going anymore). Sorry i confused you.

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  9. I will never do it!!! NEVER, I love my little animal!!

    Sorry Cluss!!! And you all are more woman then me, screw that.

    Clussy tortured me back in the day with wax and never again.

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