Wednesday, April 11, 2007

That's some good drivin' right there

As the sun rose yesterday, my tired ass was pulling out of my parking space and headed to KegOfSunshine's house to commence the carpooling goodness, as I do most days. I'm driving by my neighbors spots and notice that the old jallopy buick has a very big dent in the trunk. Like it hit something very round and sturdy. smack in the middle of the trunk area. and I went "ha. that sucks"

["Ha." not cuz im a heartless bitch (ah pipedown you) but because these people are honkers. Like 5am on a Saturday or 12am on a Wednesday, they pull up to their house and honk for whoever to come out! this instant! OR THEY WILL HONK AGAIN! Why can't these fools use their cell phone or like! I dunno! GET OUT OF THE CAR AND OPEN THEIR DOOR AND GO "HEY IM HERE LETS GO!" And it's never a single "beep" its more of a "beep. beepbeepbeepbeepBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEP! and they wait 2 seconds for whoever to leap out of the house and when they dont (two seconds later) it's "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEP"

I often threaten to BF that I'm gonna go out there and unhook their horn--or you know, whatever it takes to disable that bitch.

Also stealers! See, it's like this: HOA decided that we needed actual trash receptacles to put our trash out in due to all the critters gettin' in to stuff. Which, duh. So one day, we each got a shiny new trash can delivered to our front porch. Well, except us, of course. So we called and they delivered another. A couple of days later our neighbor on the end caught us outside and said "Hey! I have your trashcan!" Apparently he pulled ours in to his backyard with his, to be nice. Very sweet no? So then we had two trash cans which was kinda cool but we really dont produce that much trash. Somehow it ended up that I put a birthday candle on one of the trash can lids and sorta left it there for several days in the hot sun. So it melted on to the top of the can. Last year, when we came back from OBX vacation. Said trashcan was gone off our deck. OFF OUR DECK. (We need a goddamn fence. with a lock!) We see this trashcan every Sunday sitting out in front of Honker's house (f'ing neighbors man.). Either they melted the same yellow stripey curvey candle in the same exact place I did. or they are stealers! I say Stealers!]

Man, I can get sidetracked easily. Sorry! Anyway!

So I'm driving down my little street after work the same day and I notice Mr. Honker/Stealer is outside wrestling with the trunk. and you know, I'm already sorta hating this dude. I mean god. stealing a trash can! The horror! But seriously, the honking!? that shit has to stop.

Holy crap I'm doing it again!


So I get out of my car and decide to walk over and talk to him and be like neighborly.

Me (Inside): "You stole my trashcan butthole."
Me (Outside): "Oh NO! What Happened!"

Then he mumbles something about his wife in broken english

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "My wife. She trying to get out. and hit tree *points*"

Me (Inside): "What fucking tree dude"
Me (Outside): "Oh no! Is she ok?! Is everyone Ok?!"

and then I thought maybe this was Saturday when we got that twilight zone snowfall. (P.S. WTF was THAT shit. wasnt it like 70 degrees 3 days prior!?)

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "Yeah she fine. Yesterday, my Wife was trying to get out and she couldn't find brake and she hit tree *points*"

Me (Inside): "K maybe not the snow. and also WHAT FRIGGIN TREE DUDE!?!"
Me (Outside): "Oh no!"

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "I trying to get trunk open to get stuff out" he says while using a hammer and trying to rip the metal open"

Me (Inside): "Sha right dude!"
Me (Outside): [looks down at pile of tail light shards and pieces of metal on the ground] "oh hehe yeah. doesnt look like thats gonna happen."

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "I gonna have to rip off [mumble mumble]"

Me: *blink* "Well I am glad everyone is ok, lemme know if I can help"

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "OK Thank you!"

and I walk away.

Lemme break this down for you in photos (oh I uhh just took the photos and there is apparently a tree on the other side of the street...go figure. Also! I was able to find what tree he was talking about):

all far from the street no?
Tree, 3 feet IN from curb.

tree behind the mailbox
'Nother Tree. 4 feet in from curb BEHIND mailbox.

other side of street
area behind our parking area (aka other side of street)

see any trees here?! Alright, alright there's a tree there. My mistake.

oh this one
Oh, this one? The same one from the first pic? Thats like 3 feet back from the curb? That's some skill right there. So. up AND over the curb? and 3 feet back? awesome. Also. notice in the first pic, its not even leaning at all. It's not that big of a tree either! Also, note the relationship between car and said tree (better seen in first pic). Where the heck was she parked? and how the hell? I don't get it.

HEEEEE. I took this while strolling back from "checking the mail." Plate blurred out to protect the honker/stealers innocent. (yeah. im not bitter.)

and this one taken on the way to "check the mail." I'm so sneaky.

Now tell me how fast you gotta be going to get that big of a dent from a tree?! That shit takes some skill man!


  1. man, youse a byproduct of stalkerdom too! you got more though, he must really liiiiiiike you. don't worry overmuch, i'll get my pops on it if it escalates.

  2. April 24th 2007 15:51:44
    April 24th 2007 15:52:01
    April 24th 2007 15:53:21
    April 24th 2007 17:06:03
    April 24th 2007 17:10:11
    April 24th 2007 19:23:41
    April 24th 2007 19:59:57
    April 24th 2007 20:10:31


  3. what a douche.

  4. Anonymous9:25 PM

    ZOMG. TROLLS FTW. i never did understand that shit.