If you get called in to a room with 30 of your co-workers. It's not a good thing.

So, about two weeks ago, I was laid off (Merry Christmas!) by the company I have worked for since I was 19, along with about 30 of my co-workers--with not a penny of severance (Happy New Year!). To say that I am bitter and angry is more than an understatement, however, I will spare you the explicatives.

And while I do play the victim role very well, I have found that I am very angry with myself. I should have left a long time ago. I should have known that loyalty and dedication doesn't mean shit when the money well runs dry. I should have known that loyalty and dedication doesn't mean shit either way, given the things I have seen over the years. I was stupid--I was comfortable, I was WAY too secure in my job, thinking my tenure would save me. I was so very very wrong, and it's broken my heart. The timing alone is just so shitty, both for losing a job and trying to acquire a new one. And I'm, you know, not the most patient girl in the world. So, I'm basically driving myself crazy.

I accept that because I was a telecommuter, and the Owner of the company being none-too-keen on telecommuting, I was an easy mark. However, that doesn't make HOW this was done OK in my book. I have learned a very important lesson, and it's early on in my career, so that's probably a good thing.

Some other things I have learned:

1. Keep your external resume up to date, you unbelievable idiot
2. Design your damn portfolio already
3. The concept of Family has no place in the business world. It's meaningless. End of story.
   
4. KEEP YOUR RESUME UP TO DATE GOD DAMNIT.
5. The economy is pure shit, I am not alone.
6. BF is an amazing man.
7. Heartbreak comes in all shapes and sizes
8. That shit about keeping 3 months salary in your account at all times? I shoulda listened.
9. Christmas without friends and family is depressing. But BF can make any shit day seem magical.
10. You can feel so very guilty even when it isnt your fault.
11. Be dedicated to yourself. Be loyal to yourself.
12. I am serious about the resume, gooby!
13. Having your resume done, and a "good enough" portfolio complete 4 days after being laid off is pretty awesome. You are a good soldier.
14. No job is safe. No matter how long you've been there or how loyal and dedicated you are. In the end, it counts for nothing.
15. A job is a paycheck, don't make it personal.
    

We skipped gift-giving this year, for obvious reasons, as well as the crazy travel plan we had in store for ourselves. We're just chillin' at the house with the cats. BF plays XBOX, and I do endless searches for jobs and chat with other ex-employees, some current. Lots and lots of chatting. There's a permanent dent in the couch now where my ass has been planted since we got home from Virginia. I am slowly coming out of my funk, and the hyperventilating has subsided. I havent had a breakdown in like 2 days, so things are looking up. Roll your eyes at me all you want, this shook me to the core.

I am full-on smoking.

Surprised? Yeah, me neither. I walked out of the building that day and promptly bought a pack of cigarettes, and haven't looked back. I plan on quitting the day I receive a job offer, but you know how well I commit to my declarations.

Looking back, I remember watching the news about the millions of people getting laid off without severance, or somehow unfairly. I remember thinking "thank god I have this job. I'm safe from all that!" Which is pretty ironic. Speaking of ironic, the night before I got laid off I tweeted, AND I QUOTE:

Came home frm work, worked out, now dinner, then guess what? More work! Awesome. :( i guess I should b happy I have a job, huh? And yet...

Dontcha Think? A little tooooo ironic...

It was the same when 9/11 happened. I was in drawing class, and the professor came in and announced there was some kind of bomb or something at the twin towers. I thought nothing of it, since this wasnt the first time. That was, until the Dean came into the room and announced that a plane had hit the pentagon and they are shutting down the school, we should leave immediately. I was scared as I drove home. I was heartbroken for all those people who lost their lives for no reason. The images of people jumping from the buildings is burned in my brain. But it wasn't personal. And then three days later I learned the neighbor of BF's parents was in the pentagon and was missing. It was weeks before his remains were found. There is now a memorial between the two houses, forever reminding us all how fragile life is. If I have learned anything from my personal history, maybe the next time I think it's not affecting me, I should realize that it's about to affect me.

I do have my health, and I do have BF who has been incredibly supportive and positive. I am blessed to have him in my life, as well kegOfSunshine who makes any day seem just a little brighter.

I have lost all trust in the company I once loved and felt this sense of obligation towards. When I hear my future employers speak about how we're "family" I am going to have to resist the urge to run like hell.