on Children

Say, have I mentioned that EVERYONE around me is pregnant? Seriously! K&J, our dear friends that got married late last year are pregnant (yay you guys! Congrats!) and my friend J is pregnant too and...

OK WHATEVER ONLY TWO. Seems like a lot, OK?

WHAT?

Anyway, it's got me thinkin' about uhm... kids. More specifically, me HAVING said kids. Because, obviously, the time has come for such things! And, to be quite honest, the mere thought of that really just makes me want to run in the opposite direction screaming.

I'm not even kidding.

Dude, I like freeze up when a kid gets near me. I have no idea what to say or do around them. I know NOTHING about taking care of kids. The fact that a 7-year-old kid can irritate the ever-loving shit out of me (because HI! YES I SEE YOU! I SEE YOU! SHUTUP ALREADY!), can't be a good sign I'm thinking.

And I don't really get that because when I was a teenager I babysat a fair amount. Not that babysitting indicates future Mother of the Year awards but, I remember being vaguely good at it. Able to make kids smile and giggle. I was a friggin baby whisperer compared to what I am now man.

Exhibit A: Out with Tree for our Valentine's Day date with her adorable little man. They had run off to the bathroom, again, all in the name of keeping the little man entertained because a 30 minute wait? At a mexican restaurant? WHAT? I was starting to get twitchy myself, so I understand how he must've been feeling.

ANYWAY so they are off killing time checking out the wonders of the public restroom and the hostess let's me know that we are finally up for a table! Whee! So I sit down, and ask her before she runs off for a high chair.

A HIGH CHAIR. FOR AN ALMOST FOUR YEAR OLD. YES.

Tree finally arrives at the table and I say proudly "I got a high chair!" She looked at the chair and then at me, perplexed, and said "oh uhh... we dont need a um.. a high chair?"

Her voice raised an octive as you do when you ask a question, because in her head she was probably thinking "Are you serious?" Followed promptly by, " You're an idiot."

Because hi! baby = high chair. What do you want from me ;)

Exhibit B: My Nephew, we'll just call him Holy Terror In Sneakers because HOLY MOTHER OF SUGAR HIGHS THAT BOY... he... he's like. WOW. just... wow. Anyway, when he gets in one of his moods where he runs around in circles and screams. I sorta just...

Well I basically find myself wide-eyed with my hands up surrender-style, standing absolutely still, taking short shallow breaths. Because if I move! The velociraptor will see me! and attack me! eeeeeeeee!

See what I mean?

I've always thought that I wanted kids, but now I am not so sure. In addition to the freezing... dude, just the idea of physically having the thing? Makes me cross my legs and wince. Seriously.

This feeling is replaced with "awwwwww baby! I want I want!" right? Eventually?

Please say yes.