Monday, July 17, 2006

She turns a corner . . .

A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with my mom over the phone. I had her on speaker phone and the tv was muted. The BF sat silently as I tried desperately to end the phone call, then she said "sssssoooooooo, when are you two going to get engaged?" She has no idea I have her on speakerphone. My stomach drops, my teeth start grinding and I try not to make eye-contact with him and just look at the floor. I stick my foot out and start wiggling my toes in admiration of a fairly new pedicure when I say something like "Mom, there are some things that we need to work on. I want to marry into a relationship that is solid and good. Give it time." She said "Well I am so proud to hear you say that" and something else I cannot remember. Then we get off the phone.

I beam with pride and smile at him and say "so, how was that?"

he said "very good! Listen I have to tell you something...K and J are engaged."

my heart stops beating for a second and I immediately tear up and smile uncontrollably.

"WHAT!?!?!ARE YOU KIDDING!?!?!OMG THATS SO GREAT!!!WAIT I GOTTA CALL HER [pick up phone and start dialing] WHEN!?!?! OMG!"

she picks up and I start gushing about how excited I am for her and what does the ring look like and how did he do it, etc. etc.

A while into the conversation she goes "I wasn't ignoring you, the BF told me not to tell you."

I look up at him and he is obviously avoiding eye-contact, peering deliberately at his laptop screen.

"oh, uh...why"

"well cuz he wasnt sure how you were gonna react and he wanted to find the right moment to tell you"


and then i immediately flashback to all the other times all of other friends have gotten engaged and how I blow it all out of proportion and end up yelling and crying.

a little hurt and a little embarrased, i say "ah yeah...I guess that makes sense."

It hurts a little that I couldnt be immediately told the greatest news ever (short of my own engagement of course) because I am a raging bitch and make it all about me. me! ME! But I know it's my own fault. That also makes me a little sad and ashamed of myself.

Here's where I make it about me (but, seriously, in a good way): I am proud of my reaction to her engagement, it makes me feel like maybe, just maybe I am growing up some. I like that I did not make it about me or say "TICK TOCK DAMNIT WTF?" I like that I was genuinely happy for the girl that for so many years has shared the pain and frustration and self-hatred over being the last to get married. and the fact that we have both been dating our BFs since before most of these other people even KNEW their wives/husbands. and well, general angst.

I am now alone in my little angsty club. But thats ok. Knowing that she is now engaged leaves me with the satisfaction of knowing that yes, someday, it will happen.

Congrats K, I love you and am so happy for you.


  1. Congrats for keeping your cool.

    Been there... many times. I've been at actual weddings w/Lucifer (pre-disaster of course) and had to walk out for air, mumbling under my alcohol laced breath "always a bridesmaid.. will never fucking be a goddamned bride...". I hated that feeling. Now I wonder if I'll ever really find the right one. Fuck marriage (for now), I just want to know I'll find my soul mate. Cheesy but... I want my super lover and best friend rolled up into one and know that I can rely on that person to love me as much as I love them...

    /end rant.

    Good for you, Tricia, for not flipping out on him and for genuinely letting yourself feel happy for your friend w/out feeling threatened by her taking that step and knowing that when the time is right, you will.

    Kudos and a lemon drop for you.

  2. Aw, you're so easy to please. Does your man know this? ;-)