Grace in Small Things: Day 1 of 365

Because I can't seem to think of anything to write about lately, and when I do it's dripping in bitterness and hate and worry and fear and.....well you get the idea. I was reading through Whoorl's blog to catch up on things I'd missed (cuz, hey I aint got shit-else to do) and noticed she had decided to join this Grace in Small Things challenge. I figured why the hell not. The two of you that are still here are probably bored by now ;)

So anyway, here I go.

1. The love and support of my close friends, my family and my favorite man in the world, BF. Awwwww.
2. XBOX. For it's timesuck abilities.
3. The fact that its Thursday, one day closer to the day that I found out whether I got this job or not. PLEASE GOD PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
4. BF. I know, I said him already. But SERIOUSLY. I am so very lucky.
5. Taking comfort in the knowledge that I am not a bad person. I am not a bad employee. THIS ISNT MY FAULT. (and yet, still feeling guilty)

As an update, things are still a little dramatic over here. I'm still worrying, naturally, about whether or not I am going to be able to pay my bills next month. I hate the idea of having to borrow money from BF. Everytime I go out and make any kind of purchase, I feel guilty. Like, if I had driven slower, or carved a hole in the bottom of the car and propelled it Flintstone's style then I wouldnt have had to put gas in the car.

Or, that Fajitas for 2 that I bought the other night. Eventhough it got my ass out of the house. That's $12 I don't have now. How was that a good move Tricia? (and uh, P.S. yes I ate Fajitas for 2 by myself. I only ever eat the meat though, so shuttup)

Speaking of eating. I'm not eating. Not very much anyway. And it's not because Im trying to be all dramatic. I'm just........... not hungry. It's a combination of the smoking and the HOLYFUCKWILLIGETTHATJOB?WILLIGETANYJOB? worry. I ate the fajitas for two, but I only had a protein shake earlier in the day. So what's that? Like 600 calories? At least Im not gaining weight I suppose. In fact, I'm losing weight--so...win?

Even things that I LOVE seem unappealing. I had pizza rolls for lunch. I ate like 6 rolls. Usually I can put away like 15 or so. Hey, you dont get all rotund like this eating 4 almonds. Know what Im sayin? I feel myself teetering on the cusp of some kind of depression. It's sad to me that a job can define my self-worth. I wake up every morning (11 counts as morning, right?) with a headache and knots in my stomach. I go to bed around 4am so it's not like I'm sleeping too much.

Hi, drama. Sorry!

ANYWHO. So yeah, hope to have good news tomorrow! How are you guys? Tell me a funny story. I need funny.