That's some good drivin' right there

As the sun rose yesterday, my tired ass was pulling out of my parking space and headed to KegOfSunshine's house to commence the carpooling goodness, as I do most days. I'm driving by my neighbors spots and notice that the old jallopy buick has a very big dent in the trunk. Like it hit something very round and sturdy. smack in the middle of the trunk area. and I went "ha. that sucks"


["Ha." not cuz im a heartless bitch (ah pipedown you) but because these people are honkers. Like 5am on a Saturday or 12am on a Wednesday, they pull up to their house and honk for whoever to come out! this instant! OR THEY WILL HONK AGAIN! Why can't these fools use their cell phone or like! I dunno! GET OUT OF THE CAR AND OPEN THEIR DOOR AND GO "HEY IM HERE LETS GO!" And it's never a single "beep" its more of a "beep. beepbeepbeepbeepBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEP! and they wait 2 seconds for whoever to leap out of the house and when they dont (two seconds later) it's "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEP"

I often threaten to BF that I'm gonna go out there and unhook their horn--or you know, whatever it takes to disable that bitch.

Also stealers! See, it's like this: HOA decided that we needed actual trash receptacles to put our trash out in due to all the critters gettin' in to stuff. Which, duh. So one day, we each got a shiny new trash can delivered to our front porch. Well, except us, of course. So we called and they delivered another. A couple of days later our neighbor on the end caught us outside and said "Hey! I have your trashcan!" Apparently he pulled ours in to his backyard with his, to be nice. Very sweet no? So then we had two trash cans which was kinda cool but we really dont produce that much trash. Somehow it ended up that I put a birthday candle on one of the trash can lids and sorta left it there for several days in the hot sun. So it melted on to the top of the can. Last year, when we came back from OBX vacation. Said trashcan was gone off our deck. OFF OUR DECK. (We need a goddamn fence. with a lock!) We see this trashcan every Sunday sitting out in front of Honker's house (f'ing neighbors man.). Either they melted the same yellow stripey curvey candle in the same exact place I did. or they are stealers! I say Stealers!]

Man, I can get sidetracked easily. Sorry! Anyway!

So I'm driving down my little street after work the same day and I notice Mr. Honker/Stealer is outside wrestling with the trunk. and you know, I'm already sorta hating this dude. I mean god. stealing a trash can! The horror! But seriously, the honking!? that shit has to stop.

Holy crap I'm doing it again!

ANYWAY.

So I get out of my car and decide to walk over and talk to him and be like neighborly.

Me (Inside): "You stole my trashcan butthole."
Me (Outside): "Oh NO! What Happened!"

Then he mumbles something about his wife in broken english

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "My wife. She trying to get out. and hit tree *points*"

Me (Inside): "What fucking tree dude"
Me (Outside): "Oh no! Is she ok?! Is everyone Ok?!"

and then I thought maybe this was Saturday when we got that twilight zone snowfall. (P.S. WTF was THAT shit. wasnt it like 70 degrees 3 days prior!?)

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "Yeah she fine. Yesterday, my Wife was trying to get out and she couldn't find brake and she hit tree *points*"

Me (Inside): "K maybe not the snow. and also WHAT FRIGGIN TREE DUDE!?!"
Me (Outside): "Oh no!"

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "I trying to get trunk open to get stuff out" he says while using a hammer and trying to rip the metal open"

Me (Inside): "Sha right dude!"
Me (Outside): [looks down at pile of tail light shards and pieces of metal on the ground] "oh hehe yeah. doesnt look like thats gonna happen."

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "I gonna have to rip off [mumble mumble]"

Me: *blink* "Well I am glad everyone is ok, lemme know if I can help"

Mr. Honker/Stealer: "OK Thank you!"

and I walk away.

Lemme break this down for you in photos (oh I uhh just took the photos and there is apparently a tree on the other side of the street...go figure. Also! I was able to find what tree he was talking about):



Tree, 3 feet IN from curb.


'Nother Tree. 4 feet in from curb BEHIND mailbox.


area behind our parking area (aka other side of street)

see any trees here?! Alright, alright there's a tree there. My mistake.


Oh, this one? The same one from the first pic? Thats like 3 feet back from the curb? That's some skill right there. So. up AND over the curb? and 3 feet back? awesome. Also. notice in the first pic, its not even leaning at all. It's not that big of a tree either! Also, note the relationship between car and said tree (better seen in first pic). Where the heck was she parked? and how the hell? I don't get it.



HEEEEE. I took this while strolling back from "checking the mail." Plate blurred out to protect the honker/stealers innocent. (yeah. im not bitter.)


and this one taken on the way to "check the mail." I'm so sneaky.

Now tell me how fast you gotta be going to get that big of a dent from a tree?! That shit takes some skill man!

Problem Solved!

Last night I picked up BF from the airport, we had a very late dinner and headed home. Shortly after our arrival, I marched directly upstairs to bed because it was all late (for me, anyway). I went up to bed by myself because well, I dont work 24/7, and didn't need to check my email or whatever the hell he was doing on his laptop (()*&#)($*)#@(*$#)@(*$#@) ahem.

Anyway, so he finally came up and I was about 1/4 of the way off to dreamy dreamland. And he starts talking to me as if I am fully awake, and I answer cuz, well, the dude is never here man. It's rare that I get to have conversations in bed with him right next to me.

The conversation drops off eventually...as it does when one participant can barely keep her eyelids open. And I guess he fell asleep quicker than I because the next thing I hear is a very loud and all too familiar

"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHPFFFFFFT"

See the BF doesn't snore. oh no. what he does is like a spontaneous LOUD ASS moan type thing. Which is cool most of the time...when I am already asleep.... because I can sleep through just about anything. However, I was not asleep just yet and when in this particularly fragile state of half asleep half awake, it scares the ever-loving crap out of me.

Since my life is pure comedy, the sirens of ambulances! and firetrucks! and police cars! followed soon thereafter. I swear it was like 40jillion of those bastards. One right after another after another. With an occassional "HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNHHHHHHHPFPFPFT" thrown in there with fine comedic timing.

I'm not even kidding.

So I'm laying there, trying very hard to fall asleep while at the same time waiting all apprehensively for the next "HUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNPFPFPTPFPTPFPT" to rip me back to consciousness.

These moan-type-things age me a year or two each time they occur. That shit catches you off guard man, and there is no pattern to it. There is no way to tell when the next one will scare the ever living bejesus out of me. It is very much like the story over at dooce.com that she just told about a visiting doggy that just barks spontaneously for no reason. eerily so.

So after like, I dunno, 30 minutes of this. I sit up and swing my feet to the floor and sigh because DAMNIT IM ANNOYED I WANNA SLEEP TOO WAHHHHHHHHH.

this wakes him up inexplicably...

... not the moaning. ... no, me ... SIGHING wakes him up. (wtf?)

"[semi-conscious] what's the matter? *yawn* am i making noise again?!"

"Yes. Yes you are. and I can't fall asleep *whine*"

"You want earplugs? I have some under the bed?"

"What!?!?" [Did he just say earplugs!?!]

"You want earplugs? I have some under the bed?"

[Yep. he sure did]

and eventhough " what the fu...." is flying through my head, I answer "Yes!" emphatically.

"OK, grab my little silver box from under the bed"

So I get on my knees to retrieve the box--all the while wondering to myself why the hell he has earplugs under the bed--and plop it on the bed. He wrestles around with the box and is all "I can't see where...they...are..."

Because I'm the Queen bitch, I sit there for a minute refusing to turn the light on because, in my head, this was a nice punishment for keeping the PRINCESS awake.

and then I give and turn on the light.

and I'm staring at a .....gun case (again...whaaaaa?) and he is fumbling around with the like thing that holds the ear plugs.

So then he shows me how they work. He closes the box.

At once, I shove them in my ear and I hear...absolutely nothing! Then I turn off the light and fall back into bed. I hear a muffled something and say "WHAT" and realize how loud that probably was. I took one out and start laughing and say "what" again and he laughs a little and says "nothing, nothing" and I shove it back in my ear. And I swear I felt like I fell asleep immediately.

I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm clock because I guess I was worried I was not going to hear the alarm clock.

What with the GUN SHOOTING EAR PLUGS ALL UP IN MY EARS ALL NIGHT blocking out all sounds of life, surely you can imagine why I would worry.

And dude, while the amount of sleep was small, I shit you not--that was probably the best quality sleep I have gotten in quite some time.

KegOfSunshine told me there was a mean thunderstorm last night. But I didn't hear it *happy sigh*

Hope he doesn't plan on taking these bitches away from me.

Mine!

Forward Motion Commences!

Before I say anything, I just have to point out this: www.icanhascheezburger.com--i love this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, after I got sick... I got better (like people do) and then sorta...

...stopped...

...all forward positive motion.?!

Indeed, in some instances, I even took a million steps back. Case in point: I have smoked for the past 2.5 weeks.

Yes, yes. Get the disppointed looks over with. Trust me, I am just as disappointed.

2nd case. I have yet to set foot in the gym since the Strepapolooza of '07 *sigh*

3rd case. My eating is all not healthy. Im drinking like, several sodas a day. Eating like junk (but man so tasty). It's all making me feel awful though. Which leads me to the 4th case where it is spilling over into my homelife (aka clutterathon '05-'07).

See the deal is when we moved into this house, it was stuck somewhere in the 70's where the basement was all wood paneling, and while very groovy baby yeah! we weren't down with it. So we tore it down. put up drywall. painted. put trim on the walls, painted trim, and laid down new carpet--all in like 2 years time (heh).

And by "we" I mean not really me...or the BF, for that matter. I think I painted... a little. Alright, I will admit--he did way more than I did.

But we did leave it alone for like ... I DUNNO... A YEAR give or take. We ended up paying people to finish it because. well. we succcccccccccckkkkk.

What? Why are you looking at me like that!

We like to take our time, dude. There's no need to rush the shit. Where's the fire!?!

heh.

So now, basically I've reached my breaking point. I'm tired of the stacked up boxes in the office, in the basement powder room (yes, you heard me right), in the storage space underneath the stairs. The stacks of like SHIT everywhere cuz we have nowhere to put anything cuz all the storage is being used for like... I dunno what is even IN those boxes. But we keep moving them back and forth and making stacks on the dining room table of stuff to be filed, put away "whenever the office gets done." It's been our mantra since we moved in and IM SO OVER IT.

and hey! what killer timing too! Because we just got the carpet laid in the basement--today! So now! We can move stuff from the office to the newly carpeted area! Put cabinets in the office! And then! It's operation clean-sweep minus the tv camera's!

and maybe chill out on the exclamation marks for a while.

This has done great things for my morale. Forward motion! after 2 years! Yay!

"a while" is a relative amount of time, apparently.

So as my first step, I have smoked my last cigarette. for real. this time no indiscretions. swear.

NO REALLY.

I understand how you can possibly, maybe not like...completely believe me. But I ask you to give me one more chance.

hey how about that bad sentence structure too while we are pointing out things.

P.S. JM: I mailed your stuff. don't faint ;)